My Heart

I've been meaning to do this.  BUT, my life is SO full.  Halle is playing soccer, Lucy has been walking since she was TEN MONTHS and is the busiest kid EVER.  I work three days a week.  I have piles of laundry in my house and a dirty floor and dusty tables.  But, through all of this I feel complete and well taken care of.  I'm thankful and blessed.  And Jesus is working on me.  He is handing me ways to be used by HIM.  My testimony is speaking for me.  The sweet, short life of our Elliott is blessing others even today.  It's part of me and my testimony.  It was hard, so hard…but, I learned so very much.  I would give anything to have our son here with us. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt his life was not in vain.  When life is hard, my friends, cling to HIM.  Let HIM lead you.  Surround yourself with those who lift you up.  Those who care for you and love you just the way you are.  Really, isn't that what our Jesus does?  He gets into our messy lives, our dirty floors and dusty tables.  He reaches all the cobwebs and covers us with HIS grace.  He carries us when we can't carry ourselves.  He is simply the BEST!  He is my refuge and my strength.  And, my portion.

And…because it's been SO long since I've been on here….let me share with you pictures we had taken in September of our beautiful family.

The BIG Six!!

Today Halle Grace, you turn SIX.  I can hardly believe it.  You, sweet girl, made us a Mommy & Daddy for the first time.  From the time you were placed in your Daddy's arms, we knew you were exactly where you needed to be.  To this day, you are your Daddy's biggest fan.  You fill our lives with laughter, so much laughter.  As you have gotten older you say the most silly things.  And we love to hear them!  You dance like no one is looking and I hope that never, ever changes.  You are embracing Kindergarten and school with vigor.  I love to see you waving to friends when you arrive and your smile as you see them.  This girl is reading.  My goodness. I know I didn't read until I was in first grade.  The other night you read one of your books to Daddy and I and we smiled as we listened to you.  More than anything, we love to hear your grow and learn knew things. This is a JOY to us.  You are fierce and passionate about your little sister.  Oh, I wish I could post some pictures of the two of you together.  You love her like no other and can make her giggle at the drop of a hat.  The smiles she gives you are so sweet and loving.  She knows who you are big Sissy.  Your ear for music is uncanny and hearing you worship our Jesus is one of my very favorite things, ever.  When I can't find you in the house the first place I look is in the garage with your Daddy.  I'm sure you are the only 6 year old girl that put a hole in her Super Hero cape by riding your Daddy's creeper like a skateboard.  I'm surprised we haven't visited the ER yet needing stitches or a cast for broken bones. You have changed the brake pads on the car and helped Daddy with the Bronco.  Thank goodness this year you are starting to try some new foods.  We still struggle to get you to eat.  But, you'd never guess by looking at our tall, healthy, so beautiful girl.  

Halle, we pray this next year brings you closer to Jesus.  That you become more aware of who He is and can be in your life.  That you embrace SIX whole-heartedly.  Fill this year full of memories, learning and loving.  Sing, dance and smile.  Hold your head up high, sweet girl.  Our Jesus made you unique and beautiful and He didn't skip a beat.  We are so thankful for you and the blessing you are in our lives.  

Love you sweet girl, 

Daddy & Mommy

Life

When I was a young girl attending High School in Lynden I never imagined I would be 39, married with two adopted children living in Sumas.  See, that wasn't my plan, but without a shadow of a doubt that was HIS plan.  Our Jesus has a way of doing that.  While in High School I went on a couple short term mission trips where I learned that not everyone lives the way we all did in Lynden.  Houses were shacks, floors were dirt and you couldn't even flush the toilet in some places.  The water stank of sulfur and we showered in our bathing suits on a cement slab with a garden hose.  I was a long way from home, but I loved every minute of it.  Plus, let's be honest I got my first ever real tan, that's rare for this redhead.

It's super easy for us to take all we have for granted.  I've been thinking about that lately.  You see, we live in a small condo with our two girls and all our stuff.  We do not have much more than a square patio for our outside area and the parking lot.  We are full to the gills.  That's speaking kindly.  My house is cluttered with baby toys, blankets, dishes and all we use to live in our space. That's right, we live here.  It is our place.  Ours.  I've learned that being content with what God has given you is so important.  When we moved some 9 years ago, we didn't plan on staying here for this long.  We wanted our daughter to start school in Lynden, but…that's not how it worked. Our Jesus has a plan. Halle loves her school, her Teacher and her friends.  She loves walking there each morning and riding the bus to her friends one day a week.  And you know what?  I love it too.

I think it's important to remember that your house, your car, your town and your money do not define you and make you who you are.  Your identity should be found in our Jesus.  He is the true "giver of life".  So, my house maybe small, cluttered and "in the boonies", we may not live in what some people call the "best" town, but…our Jesus placed us here for a reason.

**We snuck in while they were building our house and placed this over the door.  It's hidden, but…we know it's there**

More of our journey with Lucy

I shared with you all how Lucy was placed in a foster home for two nights with the Blake family. While we were in Abilene they invited us over to share a dinner with them.  What a joy that was. CV and Shelly got to share their hearts with us and we got to share our lives with them.  This family has two grown children (and two super cute Grandkids!) and lovingly welcomes littles into their Foster Home.  The first five foster children they had in their home were boys and…they all attended their daughter's wedding a few years ago.  I saw that picture on the coffee table in their home and thought it was familiar to me.  YES.  It was on the cover of our Agency's news letter. They showed us an extra room in their house which holds 8X10 photos of all their foster children, with the name they gave them (alphabetical, named after cities and counties in Texas) and a ceramic plaque with both their feet and hand print that CV had made for each of them.  A large bulletin board is there as well, filled with cards, pictures and anything else they have received from their littles. We could not have asked for a better place for little Lucy.  HIS handprints were all over this.  Do you want to hear more??  Lucy was born on her Uncle Brian's birthday and was placed with us on Kiana the Great's Gotcha Day.  She was due on the very same day as her big brother Elliott.  Becca, our Social Worker from Christian Homes attends the very same church as our good friends, The Andrew's….and she works with Kristi every single Wednesday night at the mid-week service.

Friends, never doubt that Jesus has HIS hands in every.single.thing. you do.  When we told Christian Homes that we would be willing to be placed with a baby that the Birth Mother wanted to see in person each year we stepped out in faith and trusted that Jesus had our best interest at heart.  We knew that if it was supposed to happen our Jesus would work it all out, the money for visits, the timing everything. Lucy's whole adoption has been covered repeatedly in prayer.  Many family and church members (they are also our family) prayed fervently for her little life.  My husband wept tears in the rocking chair in her nursery.  One of good friends had a prophetic dream about her life.  This was meant to be.  We have received an outpouring of funds to cover her adoption and feel so very blessed by all of it.  Our Jesus has an incredible plan for our Lucy Faith.  Sometimes all you need to do is jump and trust.

Lucy Faith

Last I left you all I was sad, broken and frustrated.  But, never fear my friends.  Our Jesus is ever faithful and He works in miracles and so many cool, amazing ways.  One day after I posted that last message we received a phone call from our social worker in Texas…I missed the call, but the message went something like this, "It's Becca from Christian Homes….she signed the papers. Just wondering when you'd like to come pick up your baby!"  Needless to say, the wedding we had been super excited to attend (We love you Jason, Karm & Kenz!) was quickly forgotten and I rushed first back to my work to share the news and let them know I would not be in on Monday. On the way home I called Aaron repeatedly, but…he was at an appointment and I had to leave a message.  I called everyone I knew and shared our incredible joy, Lucy Faith was coming home to her Forever Family.  We packed our bags that night and Daddy booked us a flight for the next day…destination TEXAS, to meet our sweet girl.  Big Sister Halle was super duper excited to fly on an airplane for the first time she remembered.  Our Halle girl is a so hard to wake up in the morning, let me say, this was one of the first times she jumped up out of bed quickly!

Lucy had been placed in a temporary foster home the day her Birth Mommy signed the papers. A home filled with love and grace and such incredible Godly people.  Just a little background on this.  Just days before I had been texting with my friend Kristi, who lives in Abilene and welcomed us gladly into house for a week, she mentioned the Blake's to me and said if Lucy's Birth Mommy ended up placing her see if she could be placed with this family until we arrived.  Guess what? When we arrived in Texas I got a text from an unknown number.  It was Lucy's Foster Mom. Yep. It was the Blake's.  Our Jesus knew. More on this incredible family later.  And more on our journey with Lucy.  Her sweet Birth Mommy & brother DJ, the people we came in contact with and HIS fingerprints which were all over this.


We can not post pictures of our Lucy until her adoption is finalized.  For now, you may see a lot of her hands and feet.

Broken

We're broken.  Sad. Angry. Confused.  And so many more other feelings.  It was on February 3 that I received an e-mail from our Adoption Agency asking if we would allow our profile to be shown to a prospective match.  I nearly drove off the road when I saw it. For the record, I was driving, but only glanced at it and read the rest later when I arrived at my destination.  Aaron and I talked it over and agreed we were more than ok with the stipulations that Birth Mother has requested.  We knew that if our Jesus was in this He would allow ALL of it to come to fruition.  I e-mailed back the agency and we began praying.  That if it was His will the Birth Mother would choose us.  If not, that the perfect family would be chosen for this baby who was already growing in our hearts.  A week later I came home to another e-mail asking that we call the Agency ASAP.  There was a huge snowstorm going on in Texas and they needed our phone number….I responded with our phone number and moments later, my phone rang.  We confirmed a phone meeting the next day to have the Birth Mother "presented" to us.  This is where they read history to you about said Birth Mother. We, of course, were more than excited. The next day Aaron and I meant at his work and listened intently as they presented this precious Birth Mother to us.  Her story, so unlike Halle's.  We fell in love with her and the baby girl that was yet to be born.  Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But, our Jesus' has his fingerprints all over this.  The baby was due on March 6.  Yes, Elliott's original due date.  I had been praying that somehow that would come into the adoption picture.  I wasn't sure what it would look like, but…it was going to be there.  It would be our sign, from Jesus.  Not only that, but said Birth Mother has a 15 month old son who was living with her in the Maternity Apartments at our Agency.  At Christmas the Agency had posted on FB asking if anyone would like to purchase toys for children living in these apartments.  I quickly answered yes and was matched with a one year old boy.  Yes, that was her son.  He received a Christmas present from us.  Two days later I had a short 15 minute conversation with Birth Mom and felt as though I could just sit down and chat with her…I was encouraged and excited to meet this Woman in person when our sweet baby girl was born.  A few bumps in the road came after…..Birth Mom was out of contact with the agency for a few days, we fretted, prayed and worked through it.  She arrived back to the Agency and three days later I received the phone call that she was in labor, but…was not sure she could follow through with the adoption.  My heart stopped.

Now, it's three days later.  Baby Girl has been born and she is with her Birth Mom, who has nothing.  No home of her own, no family, no money and I'm assuming no clothes or necessary things to take care of this sweet girl.  I'm broken.  And at first I was MAD.  So stinkin' mad.  Even at Jesus.  I'm going to say it and be honest.  I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel.  Trust me.  I've made it through three miscarriages, infertility, the death of my Dad and son and bouts with anxiety and depression.  I know how to persevere.  I know what it means to press in and give to Him.  I know how to pray and intercede.  I know without a shadow of a doubt our Jesus is in control.  But, then I was not having it.  Even now, I'm struggling.  This to me seems like the hardest thing I have been through.  I was laying in bed last night wondering why??  I didn't even feel this way when we lost Elliott.  It hit me then.  I was going to see Elliott again.  I will see my Dad again and all three of my babies in Heaven.  I do not know if I will ever see this sweet baby girl that was to be our Lucy Faith.  Her clothes are washed and ready for her, the tiny diapers and socks.  The "Little Sister" and "Big Sister" shirts.  It's all so confusing. So we wait yet again.  The Birth Mom decided she would like to try parenting this sweet girl for two weeks.  All you parents out there know the first two weeks are the hardest.  I'm not sure how to pray and Aaron and I both feel defeated.  So, we're asking that you pray for us.  And would you please pray for our Halle?  She's confused too and I'm realizing we need to be careful what we say about this situation.  We want her to understand the the Birth Mother is making poor choices. That she doesn't know what is best.  I have had to explain this again this morning.  My anger has made it's way into Halle and I don't want that to keep happening.  Please, please pray for this sweet baby girl that will not have a future without her forever family.

Use ME

Yesterday while I was in the shower, I was praying.  Just a simple prayer.  "Lord, use me". Whatever that looks like, I want to be used for your glory.  I want to be a friend to people who may not have too many, I want to share my testimony of infertility, of loss and more importantly, of HIS faithfulness.  I want to learn more about Him.  I was thinking more about this as I drove home from a massage last night.  I was super sore, but...feeling blessed.  Sometimes, it's the little things.  It may be just listening while your co-worker shares with you struggles she is facing....or choosing to go out of your comfort zone and introduce yourself to someone you don't know.  I've learned that listening to my Jesus is SO important and really so easy.  Friends, Jesus gives me strength.  Without him I would be a puddle, literally, a dirty mud puddle on the ground.  He was the one who picked me up and sustained me through infertility, the loss of my Dad and four babies.  He is still carrying me and will all the days of my life.

September, October and November could well be the most important months of the year for our family.  Halle's birthday is September 26, Elliott's birthday is October 13, Halle joined our family on November 20, and my Dad passed away on November 25.  Then we have Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Ironically, I love these months.  Through all the heartache.  I feel joy.  Sometimes, I need to choose to feel it, but...it's always there. Would I change the path of the journey I've been on?  Absolutely not.  Would I change the outcome?  Yes.  I would love nothing more than to have my Dad here to see Halle and spend time with her.  To pray me through the loss of Elliott.  I would love to be hugging my son, playing cars with him and teaching him to throw a ball.  To see if he has red hair or brown eyes.  To see if he looks just like his Daddy.  Tomorrow we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here with us.  We are choosing to celebrate his life.  And more importantly, our Jesus and HIS Faithfulness.

I will sing to the maker of heaven and earth.  God you reign forever and your love will endure. Faithful and true is the name of the Lord.  You are FAITHFUL God!

Sharing with You All

This evening I popped on over to one of my very favorite blogs.  Raechel Myers has inspired me from the very first time I read a post on "Finding my Feet".  She, like me, struggles with carrying a baby.  And....they lost their baby girl Evie only hours after she was born.  Just a few weeks ago, she found herself unexpectedly pregnant.  Like me, pregnancy does not bring her joy.  It brings fear.  It should not be like this, but...I so know where she is coming from.  You can read her post here in it's entirety.  I identify with so very many of her feelings.  On Sunday, we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here on this earth.  The pain is getting a little less, but the memories, oh...they are still so very fresh.  

Wounded

WOW!  I really don't feel as if I should even have to explain myself but I will.  To the "anonymous" comment poster:

Do you know my family?  Do you know our financial situation?  And that we have prayed about our situation many, many times and know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what our Jesus wants us to do?  That we choose to use the agency we do because of the reputation it has.  One of integrity and respect.  They are knowledgeable beyond a doubt. We are not choosing to adopt through an agency because of the "Lynden" stigma.  Trust me we are FAR from being part of that and really we don't even live there.  Can I just address that as well?  We have many, many friends at our church who have adopted their children through agencies.  Not because they are wanting to "fit in" or be apart of what others are doing.  They have prayerfully considered their options and chosen to fully live out James 1:27 "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  Wow.  My husband and I have always felt adopting through the state, though more reasonable in price, is not for us.  We have suffered through four pregnancy losses.  One being at 19 weeks.  We have watched our friends struggle through state adoption situations that have dragged on for years.  This is not for us.

I have removed your comments from my blog and ask that your refrain from sharing them here.  I find it wounding and very disrespectful.  Use your words carefully.  I know that only our Jesus should be the one to judge.  Shame on you.

Officially Waiting

My heart is full of anticipation.  I can say right now I have not one bit of uneasiness at all about our adoption.  It's true.  Praise the Lord for this.  I know, that I know, that I know....our Jesus is in control.  Is it easy to give up our control?  Absolutely not.  Is it a struggle for me, daily?  Yes.  Have I learned over the last almost two years that He will always be in control.  Abso-stinkin'-lutely.  He is the Almighty, the Great I am...the Redeemer.  AND...His grace is sufficient for me.  As of about three weeks ago, all our paperwork has been turned in to our adoption agency and we are officially "waiting" for that very special Birth Mother to choose us.  Doesn't that make you just giddy??  It does me.  Sometimes, I try to be very nonchalant about it.  Oh, it's no big deal.  We're just waiting to add another member to our family.  One that our Jesus has picked out just for us.  My goodness.  Some say waiting is the hardest part, and you know what, it well could be.  But, I have resolved that it's not going to be.  So, I press in to Jesus because I know He is the giver of our gift.  Would you please pray for a few things for us??

• HIS timeline.  That's right.  We have been told this process may take anywhere from 18-24 months.  That is a quite a bit longer than we waited for Halle.  But, we know that He is control and truly He knows best which child is right for us and when that said child will become a part of our family.
• The Birth Mother.  For wisdom, guidance and His grace.  That she would feel loved and appreciated and know that she is sacrificing so much, but giving us the "Best Gift Ever".
• Financing.  We have applied for a grant and it may be up to ten weeks before we hear back from then.  We know that our Jesus will provide, but...it never hurts to have the extra prayers.
• For our Halle.  She is super, duper beyond excited to be a BIG sister.  In her almost 5 years she has been a part of a lot emotionally.  She has watched her Mommy carry her little brother and not bring that same brother home from the hospital.  She knows where he is and has a greater understanding of Heaven.  But, bringing a new little person to her home may put a wrench in to her seemingly "I'm the only child" attitude.  We plan on taking Halle with us to meet her new brother/sister.  We would love to visit with her Foster family as well as maybe her Birth Mother (if she is willing).  Pray for our sensitive little girl's heart.  This may be a lot for her to take in.  
• Our stay in Texas  We have to wait for some paperwork to be filed and approved after the baby is placed with us.  This can go super fast (it was less than a week with Halle) or super slow.  We'd like the quicker route, pretty please.  Aaron only has so much time off and would love to be there with us.    

I know for some, you may think this premature.  We haven't been matched yet and we just turned our paperwork in.  Nope.  That baby is growing in our hearts and it's never too early to share with others your needs and how to pray for them.  And I know that He is faithful!

Tee Ball!!

 Batting for the first time!!  Not bad!

 Paige gets in on the action while Halle demonstrates "ready" position!

 Cutest little cheerleader, Payton!

The fearless "Coach Lisa".  Seriously, this woman is a Saint.  And so, so good with these kids.  Thank you Jesus for blessing us with her!!  

Tee Ball 2013

My Girl

This is my sweet, silly, sassy, sensitive little girl  And her cousin, Sophie.  The is is a rare shot of Halle while she's somewhat still.  That happens never.  Well, almost never.  A few Saturday's ago we celebrated my Grandma Carla's life.  Halle and Sophie's Great Grandma. These two cooked up some trouble, but....mostly fun at the potluck after the service.  When I list the above qualities of Halle, they fit her to a "T"...or should I say "S"??  Either way.  She keeps us moving, disciplining and often times hiding our laughter.  She can be so sassy (I'm sure she did not get that from me!) yet so sensitive.  She is an impeccable judge of what a person is like, even at her young age of 4 1/2. Her Nana mentioned this to me this weekend and I had to agree.  I believe she will hear from Jesus at a young age.  She has learned more about heaven in the last 2 years than I had known by the time I was in my twenties.  It's been a challenge for us lately as Halle repeatedly "misses" her Grampie (My Dad who she never met), Elliott & most recently her Birth Mother.  She is sad when we leave her cousins, Nana & Papa, Aunties, Uncles & Grammie.  On more than one occasion she has been crying over my Dad because he is in heaven.  I know Halle Grace, your Grampie would have LOVED you.  Each time we explain that Grampie is in heaven and that only way to get there is to ask Jesus in your heart to live forever.  I don't think she fully grasps that yet.  But, friends, she will.  This weekend she again exclaimed, "I miss Elliott".  We do too sweet girl!  "He's in my heart"...she said.  I added..."That's right, you can always carry him in your heart!"......with so much sincerity she says "But, I want to carry him in my arms!" I whole heartedly agreed. Then I look at Elliott's picture on our living room wall and again, I'm thankful. For what his life stands for.  For our Jesus who blessed us with that sweet little boy who fit in my hand perfectly. And for his big sister,  Halle Grace and her sweet sensitivity.

A GREAT gift...and a much needed Update

Adoption is a gift....given straight to us by our Jesus.  As we delve into this process again we have been reminded of His faithfulness and promises yet again.  I shouldn't be surprised.  God is molding and shaping us as a family.  Yesterday He reminded us, ever so gently, that He is in control.  And unfortunately, we are not.  When we first initiated contact with our Adoption Agency, almost 11/2 years ago the wait for a child was less than a year.  We took our time readying ourselves emotionally to bring another baby into our home.  We were grieving our sweet Elliott and needed the extra time to heal.  We have now finished most of our paperwork and just need some time to clean out the baby's room.  The next step? Welcoming our Social Worker into our house for the home visit part of our home study.

The Agency is only asking we write a letter to the prospective Birth Mother and prepare a Profile (a photo album of sorts).  Yesterday I e-mailed our contact at the Agency and asked for specifics on the Profile and letter....I needed to make sure the requirements were the same as they had been when we prepared one for Halle's adoption.  I was surprised and a little bit disappointed, when she answered back with the specifics and then gently informed us that the wait time for a child had changed from 9-12 months to now 18-24 months.  Margaret (our contact) had told us that more and more Mom's are choosing to parent their children.  That initially sounds great.  We want Mom's to keep their babies...if they are fit and willing to do so.  It also breaks our hearts to think of all these children who may end up in the Foster care system because their Mommy's end up being unable to care for them.  I panicked a little.  Ok...maybe more than that.  Thoughts swirling in my head...I quickly forwarded the e-mail to Aaron and kept him in the loop. We could do two things in this situation.  Panic more.  Or press in to our Jesus.  We chose the second option.  Aaron reminded me that this doesn't change our situation at all.  We still are not in control.  Only HE is.  You would think through all we've been through I would remember this.  Um.  Not so much, I guess.  He knows who our next child will be.  He will knit that child together in it's Birth Mother's womb, before it arrives here and becomes part of our "Forever Family".  Only He knows that timeline.  More patience.  More faith.  More of His story to tell.

This morning I woke up hopeful, excited.  Because, more than anything, I know Jesus knows.  He has a plan, even if doesn't fit into ours. Maybe, the timeline will change.  Maybe it won't.  It doesn't matter.  We're here.  Waiting...ready and willing to do what our Jesus wants us to do.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, He will use this to grow us more.  And more. And more.  Bringing us closer to Him.

The Quilt

Yes.  The quilt.  This is Elliott's.  It was given to us by our church at his Memorial Service.  It is so special and one of the only tangible things I have that is his alone.  It sat in a hidden place for about a year or so.....when I took it out I was having a particularly hard day.  One where the tears wouldn't stop and thoughts of my sweet boy were so vivid and clear.  Really, I don't know why I waited so long.  I remember when Pastor Kurt handed that quilt to me at the service.  Explaining that when we had a hard day we should wrap this around us and let His love hold us.  It worked.  I really just wanted to hold something that was his.  In my arms.  Tight.  The blanket smelled a little musty like that hidden closet and I washed it later that day.  AND....now it stays under my pillow.  I know it's there and somehow it makes me feel just a little bit closer to my boy.  The one who's picture hangs on my living room wall and fills my heart with joy.....knowing that when I get to Heaven one day.  He'll be there.  March 3 passed a few weeks ago and you know what?  I made it.  I chose JOY over sorrow knowing that Elliott was with the one who created him and holds everything in His hands.  He is faithful friends.  I know that this journey has not been an easy one, but...I wouldn't change it.  Yes, I would change the outcome, more than anything I wish he was here with us.  But, Jesus is molding me through all of this.

He has brought people into my life when I needed them most.  My friend Trisha and I share the bond of having lost our children too soon. Both in the same month, as Megan and Elliott have birthdays just one day apart.  She and I did not grow up together, attend the same church when young or even go to the same school.  Yes, we do go to the same church now.  But, we have a bond and our friendship is growing...and I love it.  She is one of the people that really, truly understands me and what I have been through.  Our Jesus blesses us when we are together.  And, our girls, both age four love to play together.  Well, most times.  They have very similar personalities and sometimes that doesn't mix well.  But, they too are learning and sharing...and growing.  Together.  And you know what?  That blesses me.

The Pioneer Woman....Oh How I love THEE.

If I could, and believed in this silly sort of stuff....I would be Ree Drummond in my next life. That's right.  The Pioneer Woman for those of you who don't know.  AND....if you don't, you are seriously missing out.  She is seriously the best....from her red hair (yes, I'm very partial) to her swing tops and so cute cowboy boots.  And...she lives on a ranch in Oklahoma in the middle of no where.  We call my In-Law's house "The Ranch" and my Father-in-Law has a handful of horses....will that work??  This girl can cook....let me tell you.  Her recipes are more than loved at our house.  She makes great comfort food.....some fancy stuff too, and every.single.thing. that I have tried has been a hit with my lovely husband.  Her  Meatloaf, wrapped in bacon and covered in a spicy ketchup sauce, her Sloppy Joes (sorry Mom, I like hers better!), Chicken spaghetti, Salisbury Steak & Beef with Snow Peas.  Just typing all of this makes me so hungry.  Do you like stew?  I really normally don't, but....her Stew with Beer & Paprika rocked my socks off.  It renewed my love of stew....and my husband could not be more happy with that.  Check out her website/blog and by all means, buy yourself not just one, but...both of her cookbooks. Watch her show on Saturday mornings on the Food Network. And as I told my friend Jess, "Cook this stew and your husband will want to marry you all over again!"  Yes, friends....it's seriously that good.

March is Coming....Again.....

That's right.  It is.  March is right around the corner.  With that comes spring (hopefully!), new life, hope.  But for me March is not a happy time.  It should have been.  That was when our sweet baby was due.  March 3 will be forever blazed in my memory.  I should have been planning a nursery, filling it with trucks and tractors and lots and lots of guitars.  Placing the rocking chair just so....washing little blue clothes.  Cuddling with my sweet Elliott as he slept in my arms.  Instead....last March was when my life started taking a downward spiral.  I began sinking right around my due date and really didn't surface until this October.  I needed help from my Doctor and my family and certainly from my Jesus.  That being said.  I'd like to think I'm well now.  And, really I am.  But, in the back of my mind....I know that March is coming....and I'll need extra support then.  I've already told Aaron that.  It is important to let others know how to support you when you go through the valleys.  It's important to have friends around you who understand and sometimes, just listen...maybe even cry with you.  Losing a child is something I wish never happened to anyone ever again.  It's horrible.  But, I know that our Jesus carried us through this time.

Last week, my cousin Lisa sent me this video.  It really speaks my heart.  Unfortunately, her cousin Duane and his wife, Abbie are featured in this video.  They now have two sweet little girls Paige & Quinn who was just born this December.  You may want your kleenex handy. Don't say I didn't warn you.  If you have walked through this or know someone close to you that has.....just know Jesus knows.  He cares for you. He is holding your sweet little person close.

God's Best

Last week I found this picture on our computer.  I SO love it.  I know it's not the best quality, it's a bit blurry and pixelated.....and is over 9 years old.  But it shows so much.  Aaron's Auntie Joy snapped this picture as we were leaving the church on our wedding night.  Heading home to our little duplex together for the first time as husband and wife.  I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life. Aaron is God's Best for me. Do you see the unspeakable joy on our faces?  The anticipation?  WOW.  We were 28 and 29....ready to take on the world as a married couple.  Ready to serve our Jesus together as husband and wife.  Ready to start a family......and love each other forever. All of those things are still true.  Why?  Because I married God's Best.  I never would have guessed we would have been through all we have now.  Infertility, three miscarriages, the loss of my Dad and our son Elliott, anxiety and fear.....the adoption of our sweet Halle Grace.  Now we are stronger than ever.  Marriage is super hard work.  Without hesitation, I would be the first to tell you that. With Jesus our marriage has survived while others around us have fallen and crumbled.  That hurts my heart.  It makes me so sad to see how many marriages around me have led to divorce.  I'm so sad and frustrated by the choices some people make.  I have watched my Sister and some very close friends go through divorce.  It stinks and  it's really hard for me to put myself in their shoes.  I think I would have never made those choices in the first place.  But, is that the truth?

When I was in my twenties I dated a man I thought I would marry.  He and his family were my life.  Let me be clear in writing this.  I know they may read this and I have no hurt feelings towards Luke and his family at all.  After dating for 1 1/2 years our relationship ended.  It really was for the best, but I didn't think that at the time.  That relationship made me grow into the woman I am today.  I had to rely on Jesus and my identity in Christ not in my boyfriend and his family.  It was then I learned who I really was.  Believe it or not, this is how I  became the independent redhead I am today.  You can thank for me that later, Aaron.  Choosing to serve on the Youth Staff at my then church caused me to grow spiritually under the guidance of our Youth Pastor Jon & his wife Stacey.  Through this experience I gained lifelong friends who still guide me today.  During this time I also moved back home after living with a roommate for four years.  I lost my job....and my new one didn't pay as much as I was accustomed to.  Because of this, I took on a second job on Saturday's to supplement my income, working with my friend Candace.  She was the one who set Aaron and I up on our first date.  And...I am forever grateful. In our house we don't use the term "God's Best" loosely.  I only know that Jesus is the one who brought my husband to me and having Him in your marriage is the only way to keep the marriage healthy and whole.  Praying together, honoring each other and continually striving to make it work as God intended marriage to be.

ALL things Musical

It was evident very early on that our girl LOVES all things musical.  That has only grown as she's gotten older.  She is passionate about music.  And when I say that what I really mean is she is utterly, crazy, wild about it.  Any kind. Any beat.  She does not stop singing ever. Her Daddy also loves music and grew up in a very musical family.  He plays and even builds guitars, sings and so does Halle's Nana. Aaron has done an incredible job teaching our girl about instruments and what they sound like.  Our music library is very eclectic.  If you sort through iTunes on our computer you'll find everything from Elvis to BB King and then Jason Aldean, Keith Urban & Sugarland. Lots of worship music and plenty of classic rock too.  Music speaks to us sometimes when others can't.  From early in our relationship Aaron has made me soundtracks from our life.  I have at least four "April Mix" CD's and the first one titled "Songs that Make me Think of April" for when we were dating.  We have a CD from my Dad's funeral and one for sweet Elliott. And....recently I found the soundtrack to our wedding titled "A Winter Wonderland".  That is when Halle discovered her love of Elvis.  It's pretty funny to hear your four year old from the back seat asking to listen to Elvis.  And it makes me smile.  BIG.  She is so her Daddy's daughter.  She's usually right when you ask her what instrument is playing.  And I recently asked her "Does your body just start moving when you hear music?" She nodded her head a resounding yes.  Sometimes I feel like asking her not to dance is like asking you or I not to breathe.  "Twirly" skirts and dresses are a huge favorite in our house right now.  They allow for a lot of spinning.  Especially while watching "Annie".  Her new favorite dancing movie.  I can't tell you how many times we had to fast-backward (for all you that don't know that means rewind, in Halle terms) the scene where Annie brings Sandy home to the orphanage and they all dance.  Halle longs to do "flip-overs" and practice all the moves.  And the scene where she goes to stay with Daddy Warbucks and they go to the movies....my goodness.  I have seen that so many times I can probably recite it verbatim.  I'm sure our Jesus has BIG plans for this little girl and her huge love of music.  I can't wait to see what they are.  Until then, we'll keep dancing and twirling....pouring into her.

Our Year in Review

Merry Christmas To all our Friends and Family!

We pray this finds you happy, healthy and blessed as we are.  This year has been a year of learning for our family.  We’ve learned how very important our Jesus is when you are going through the valleys.  It took us this whole year to grieve our sweet boy Elliott Aamodt.  To say this year was happy would not be true.  It was sad, it was hard, it was nothing like any of us have ever been through.  But, the best news is we made it through.  We persevered…we learned, we worshipped our Jesus through the good and the bad.  And, He, as always came through.  We are looking forward to 2013 with GREAT anticipation of what our Jesus has in store for our family.  We will begin the process to adopt another sweet little baby into our family in January.  We ask that you pray for us as we navigate this journey yet again.  We can’t wait to fill our little home with more love and laughter.  Halle is more than giddy to have a little brother or sister to care for and, most importantly, we know Jesus has called us to do this. 

Right now, this world and its troubles seem like such a sad and disappointing place to be.  I’m trying really hard to focus on our Jesus, the REAL reason for this season. To remember the blessings He has given us. The roof I have over my head, the computer I’m using right now…my sweet husband and little brown girl.  My family.  They may be crazy, well sometimes, but….they are all mine.  Life is precious, and this year has really shown us this.  Would you do the same?  Be blessed.  Be thankful.  For those things you have, not what you are missing.  Take some time and sit at HIS feet, in HIS presence, worshipping the Gift He has given to US. 

Blessings to you and yours,

April for all three of us 

Another One

These last four weeks have been hard for a dear friend of mine and her family.  We grew up together and the Mama (Marj) of this family babysat for my sister and I while our Mom worked....we are all like siblings.  About four weeks ago Stacy, pregnant with her first baby after trying for so long had her 20 week ultrasound.  That ultrasound did not provide them with exciting news as it should have.  They learned their baby was a girl, but...her growth was at least two weeks behind where it should have been.   When you get news like this it hits you like a huge punch in the gut....one that takes the breath right out of you.  Trust me.  I certainly know what it feels like.  Marj works with me and had been sharing baby girl's progress with me.  I knew that our Jesus wanted me to encourage Stacy.  But, I got busy and time got away from me until she had another Dr's appointment and I felt Him speaking to me even stronger than before.  I gathered my thoughts and sent her a text.  Our Jesus knew.  She was having a bad day and it was exactly what she needed.   Through those four weeks she had many ups and downs....good days and bad.  I continued to send her scripture, encouragement or whatever Jesus laid on my heart.  Eventually, she was admitted to the hospital to await delivery of her baby until she was viable.  Those of us who have lost babies hate that word.  It makes you cringe.  Unfortunately, little girl had decels in her heart rate and Stacy was wheeled in for an emergency c-section last Friday.  Little girl was actually a little boy.  Gabriel Raymond weighed just 13 oz and was the very same length as our Elliott, 9 1/2".  He was prefect in every.single.way.  And such a miracle.  He entered this world crying which no baby that little ever does.  He was a fighter and his name is such a testimony of that. Little Gabriel only lived for 24 hours.  Those hours were filled with hugs and kisses from his Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa & Grandparents.  He was so loved.

On Tuesday, Gabriel's Oma, Marj, came back to work.  She stood in front of all of her co-workers and shared Gabriel's story.  One of courage. Gabriel means "God is my strength".  That is so true.  Marj shared all of this with us. What a testimony.  She went on to explain her Bible reading that morning and how the Angel Gabriel was center-stage in that reading.  There were lots of tears that day.  But, so many, many seeds that were planted.  Over the past nine months that office has experienced not one, but now two very similar instances.  They know Jesus is a big part of my life and Marj's.  And they are learning how our Jesus is faithful to carry us through these times.  And in the words of Dr. Suess "A person's a person, no matter how small".  We'll share our thoughts and pictures of both Elliott and Gabriel because they are a part of our story.  One that shapes us and makes us who we are today.

Please pray for Mike & Stacy and their extended family.  Their hearts are breaking right now.  I'm reminded of this verse and what it meant to us during this time.  What a reminder.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.  What they did  to Jesus they do to us-trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us-he lives!  Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us.  While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 (Message)