My Heart

I've been meaning to do this.  BUT, my life is SO full.  Halle is playing soccer, Lucy has been walking since she was TEN MONTHS and is the busiest kid EVER.  I work three days a week.  I have piles of laundry in my house and a dirty floor and dusty tables.  But, through all of this I feel complete and well taken care of.  I'm thankful and blessed.  And Jesus is working on me.  He is handing me ways to be used by HIM.  My testimony is speaking for me.  The sweet, short life of our Elliott is blessing others even today.  It's part of me and my testimony.  It was hard, so hard…but, I learned so very much.  I would give anything to have our son here with us. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt his life was not in vain.  When life is hard, my friends, cling to HIM.  Let HIM lead you.  Surround yourself with those who lift you up.  Those who care for you and love you just the way you are.  Really, isn't that what our Jesus does?  He gets into our messy lives, our dirty floors and dusty tables.  He reaches all the cobwebs and covers us with HIS grace.  He carries us when we can't carry ourselves.  He is simply the BEST!  He is my refuge and my strength.  And, my portion.

And…because it's been SO long since I've been on here….let me share with you pictures we had taken in September of our beautiful family.

My Girl

This is my sweet, silly, sassy, sensitive little girl  And her cousin, Sophie.  The is is a rare shot of Halle while she's somewhat still.  That happens never.  Well, almost never.  A few Saturday's ago we celebrated my Grandma Carla's life.  Halle and Sophie's Great Grandma. These two cooked up some trouble, but....mostly fun at the potluck after the service.  When I list the above qualities of Halle, they fit her to a "T"...or should I say "S"??  Either way.  She keeps us moving, disciplining and often times hiding our laughter.  She can be so sassy (I'm sure she did not get that from me!) yet so sensitive.  She is an impeccable judge of what a person is like, even at her young age of 4 1/2. Her Nana mentioned this to me this weekend and I had to agree.  I believe she will hear from Jesus at a young age.  She has learned more about heaven in the last 2 years than I had known by the time I was in my twenties.  It's been a challenge for us lately as Halle repeatedly "misses" her Grampie (My Dad who she never met), Elliott & most recently her Birth Mother.  She is sad when we leave her cousins, Nana & Papa, Aunties, Uncles & Grammie.  On more than one occasion she has been crying over my Dad because he is in heaven.  I know Halle Grace, your Grampie would have LOVED you.  Each time we explain that Grampie is in heaven and that only way to get there is to ask Jesus in your heart to live forever.  I don't think she fully grasps that yet.  But, friends, she will.  This weekend she again exclaimed, "I miss Elliott".  We do too sweet girl!  "He's in my heart"...she said.  I added..."That's right, you can always carry him in your heart!"......with so much sincerity she says "But, I want to carry him in my arms!" I whole heartedly agreed. Then I look at Elliott's picture on our living room wall and again, I'm thankful. For what his life stands for.  For our Jesus who blessed us with that sweet little boy who fit in my hand perfectly. And for his big sister,  Halle Grace and her sweet sensitivity.

The Quilt

Yes.  The quilt.  This is Elliott's.  It was given to us by our church at his Memorial Service.  It is so special and one of the only tangible things I have that is his alone.  It sat in a hidden place for about a year or so.....when I took it out I was having a particularly hard day.  One where the tears wouldn't stop and thoughts of my sweet boy were so vivid and clear.  Really, I don't know why I waited so long.  I remember when Pastor Kurt handed that quilt to me at the service.  Explaining that when we had a hard day we should wrap this around us and let His love hold us.  It worked.  I really just wanted to hold something that was his.  In my arms.  Tight.  The blanket smelled a little musty like that hidden closet and I washed it later that day.  AND....now it stays under my pillow.  I know it's there and somehow it makes me feel just a little bit closer to my boy.  The one who's picture hangs on my living room wall and fills my heart with joy.....knowing that when I get to Heaven one day.  He'll be there.  March 3 passed a few weeks ago and you know what?  I made it.  I chose JOY over sorrow knowing that Elliott was with the one who created him and holds everything in His hands.  He is faithful friends.  I know that this journey has not been an easy one, but...I wouldn't change it.  Yes, I would change the outcome, more than anything I wish he was here with us.  But, Jesus is molding me through all of this.

He has brought people into my life when I needed them most.  My friend Trisha and I share the bond of having lost our children too soon. Both in the same month, as Megan and Elliott have birthdays just one day apart.  She and I did not grow up together, attend the same church when young or even go to the same school.  Yes, we do go to the same church now.  But, we have a bond and our friendship is growing...and I love it.  She is one of the people that really, truly understands me and what I have been through.  Our Jesus blesses us when we are together.  And, our girls, both age four love to play together.  Well, most times.  They have very similar personalities and sometimes that doesn't mix well.  But, they too are learning and sharing...and growing.  Together.  And you know what?  That blesses me.

March is Coming....Again.....

That's right.  It is.  March is right around the corner.  With that comes spring (hopefully!), new life, hope.  But for me March is not a happy time.  It should have been.  That was when our sweet baby was due.  March 3 will be forever blazed in my memory.  I should have been planning a nursery, filling it with trucks and tractors and lots and lots of guitars.  Placing the rocking chair just so....washing little blue clothes.  Cuddling with my sweet Elliott as he slept in my arms.  Instead....last March was when my life started taking a downward spiral.  I began sinking right around my due date and really didn't surface until this October.  I needed help from my Doctor and my family and certainly from my Jesus.  That being said.  I'd like to think I'm well now.  And, really I am.  But, in the back of my mind....I know that March is coming....and I'll need extra support then.  I've already told Aaron that.  It is important to let others know how to support you when you go through the valleys.  It's important to have friends around you who understand and sometimes, just listen...maybe even cry with you.  Losing a child is something I wish never happened to anyone ever again.  It's horrible.  But, I know that our Jesus carried us through this time.

Last week, my cousin Lisa sent me this video.  It really speaks my heart.  Unfortunately, her cousin Duane and his wife, Abbie are featured in this video.  They now have two sweet little girls Paige & Quinn who was just born this December.  You may want your kleenex handy. Don't say I didn't warn you.  If you have walked through this or know someone close to you that has.....just know Jesus knows.  He cares for you. He is holding your sweet little person close.

Our Year in Review

Merry Christmas To all our Friends and Family!

We pray this finds you happy, healthy and blessed as we are.  This year has been a year of learning for our family.  We’ve learned how very important our Jesus is when you are going through the valleys.  It took us this whole year to grieve our sweet boy Elliott Aamodt.  To say this year was happy would not be true.  It was sad, it was hard, it was nothing like any of us have ever been through.  But, the best news is we made it through.  We persevered…we learned, we worshipped our Jesus through the good and the bad.  And, He, as always came through.  We are looking forward to 2013 with GREAT anticipation of what our Jesus has in store for our family.  We will begin the process to adopt another sweet little baby into our family in January.  We ask that you pray for us as we navigate this journey yet again.  We can’t wait to fill our little home with more love and laughter.  Halle is more than giddy to have a little brother or sister to care for and, most importantly, we know Jesus has called us to do this. 

Right now, this world and its troubles seem like such a sad and disappointing place to be.  I’m trying really hard to focus on our Jesus, the REAL reason for this season. To remember the blessings He has given us. The roof I have over my head, the computer I’m using right now…my sweet husband and little brown girl.  My family.  They may be crazy, well sometimes, but….they are all mine.  Life is precious, and this year has really shown us this.  Would you do the same?  Be blessed.  Be thankful.  For those things you have, not what you are missing.  Take some time and sit at HIS feet, in HIS presence, worshipping the Gift He has given to US. 

Blessings to you and yours,

April for all three of us 

HIS Glory

Last week as I was recovering from the yucky stomach flu I got a phone call from our amazing church videographer, Evan.  He asked if our Pastor had spoken with me over the last couple of days.  Nope.  I had not spoken with Pastor Kim.  Evan explained that the message at church on Easter Sunday would be about never forgetting what Jesus had done.  He then asked if Aaron and I would be willing to share our testimony via video with our church family.  Immediately I wanted to scream, YES!  I knew this is what Jesus wanted us to do.  I knew we needed to do this, but...I also had to check with Aaron first.  He responded quickly knowing just like I did that we had to do this.  It was our story...and one we needed to share with many who needed to hear it.  I won't keep you waiting...here it is.  But, I must tell you that the only way Aaron and I were able to share this was with our Jesus' help.  The same Jesus who carried us through that October week carried us through this testimony.  Giving all praise and glory to the one who gave us our precious gift, Elliott Aamodt.


Aaron and April's Story from North County Christ the King on Vimeo.

A Hard Month

Wow.  This month has been one for the record books.  One I care not to visit again.  Ever.  I knew it was going to be hard with my due date being in March, but...I kinda wasn't expecting it to be this hard.  The anxiety, fear & depression came crashing upon me on my due date and it didn't let up until this past week.  I prayed, quoted scripture and clung to my Jesus.  And if that wasn't enough Halle and I both had the stomach flu.  The first time for our sweet girl.  And, let's just say this Mommy doesn't do very well with the throw up.  Yuck.  At least we didn't have it at the very same time.  Thank you Jesus.  I learned of two other Mommies that lost sweet babies to Jesus this month.  Way too soon.....I don't know either of them, but...my heart aches with them and longs for Heaven where we can see our sweet babies again....whole and well.  I can't wait.  Sometimes heaven seems so far away.

Do any of you watch "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC??  I absolutely love this show.  I love the Duggar's.  Having 19 children is definitely not for us, but...this family does it well.  And...I don't necessarily agree with having more children when you are 45.  But, it is definitely not my place to judge them...they are sticking to their faith and convictions and we all need more of that in this fallen world.  I was concerned when Michelle announced she was pregnant again, especially in light of her pregnancy and early birth of Josie.  I was pregnant with Elliott at the time and for some reason this made me even more concerned for her.  When they found out that sweet Jubilee Shalom had went to be with Jesus, I could certainly identify with her as we had been in the same place just two months before.  My heart ached for her, Jim Bob and the entire Duggar Family.  What a great loss.  As Jubilee's story unfolded via media I was so glad they had celebrated her life.  And...I so looked forward to watching this story on their show.  When it aired this week I sat on the couch prepared with a box of kleenex.  I knew I would need it.  I could hardly make it through the previews without sobbing.  So many emotions swirled through my head.  So many similarities between our situations.  Even the words Michelle spoke as she was laying on the exam table after her ultrasound.  I spoke the very same words after the ER Doctor told Aaron and I that I was having a miscarriage.  "The Lord gives and takes away....Blessed be the name of the Lord".  Michelle also spoke of her thankfulness.....that she got to see Jubilee and her sweet features.  That she looked just like a little Duggar.  I so loved that.  Especially since I could see features of both Aaron and I in our sweet Elliott, truth be told....I think he would have probably looked more like his Daddy.  He certainly had his lips....and still every.single.time. I look at Aaron's face and see his side view I get so happy knowing he has a son that looks like him.  To me I love that reminder.  I wish the Duggar's did not experience this same loss....and I wish we didn't either, but...I know our Jesus has a much bigger plan for our family and theirs.  And I also know that He does not promise us a world without trials and tribulations.  I know that He will carry you and me and every single one of us through these trials and tribulations if we only seek Him with all our hearts.  Cling to Him my friends.

Will you continue to pray for our family, please?  A friend of ours posted on FB a week or so ago that families that have lost a baby are in a very lonely place.  It's true.  This week Aaron and I are preparing to share our testimony, well it's really Elliott's testimony via video for our church family.  We know that this is what Jesus wants us to do, but...I expect it will not be an easy task.  Please pray He will give us the words to say that will touch others and help them understand that Jesus truly can carry you.  And while your at it.  Bind the devil.  We are doing Jesus' work and I know he won't like it one bit.  But, too bad.  Take that nasty, old devil.  The score:  One for Jesus....BIG FAT ZERO for you devil.

March 3

Because it's late and sleep is evading me.  Or, more like I'm avoiding it.  And....my due date is looming right ahead of me.  The house is quiet, less Hal's coughing down the hall and Elliott's soundtrack playing on iTunes.  And my sobbing.  I'm trying to do it quietly so I don't wake up my sweet, tired husband.  I miss our sweet Elliott terribly.  More than anyone will ever know.  My heart hurts.  My emotions are swirling around inside my head.  I once thought I may forget him.  Never.  Not a chance.  Ever.  I just looked at his pictures and silently sobbed for what we don't have. A little boy who looks like his Daddy.  Chubby arms and legs playing with cars and trucks.  Sweet jammies with guitars on them. The chance of red hair and brown eyes.  Hugs around my neck and slobbery kisses on my cheek.  Dirt.  Lots of dirt.  A little brother for our Halle girl.  Oh, sweet boy....you are missing out on all of this.  I'm so sorry.  I know heaven is a indescribable place filled with kindness, love, Your Grampie and most importantly, our Jesus.  But, you're there and we're here.  It's just not fair.  I didn't get to feel you snuggle up close to me while I whispered in your ear, "I love you buddy"....or sweetly kiss your sweet head while Mama fed you at night.

This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess.  If you're not careful it can consume you.  This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY.  But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so.  So, I'm going with it.  I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY.  But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me.  I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital.  We are still so thankful for all of them.  And all my Doctor's.  Our Jesus knew what I needed.  Every single step of the way.  Our amazing church family.  Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching.  That meant the world to me.  I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now.  And I would say that's ok.  My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart.  So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life.  Those are the things that bring me great JOY.

Sharing HIS Blessing

This year when sending out our Christmas letter I sent it to almost everyone.  I wanted each and everyone of you to know about Elliott.  To hear his story.  To know why we are the way we are.  I believe that's part of being bold and courageous...sharing how our faith has carried us through this extraordinary journey.  Over Christmas numerous friends and relatives have shared with me how the letter has touched them.  How they read it with tears in their eyes and in a lump in their throats.  Aaron and I have accepted many extra hugs and kisses and "I'm so sorry" has been shared with us more times than I can count.  And we greatly appreciate this.  We've had two offers from amazing women who wanted nothing more than to carry our baby for us.  Being a surrogate Mommy.  WOW.  The same day I had the first offer for surrogacy a dear friend of mine offered money for our adoption.  That literally brought me to tears.  Offering to give what little extra they had.  I didn't send out that letter for pity.  I only wanted to share what words Jesus gave me to share.  Our testimony.  Elliott's short yet, so meaningful life on earth.

On Christmas Eve, my Aunt shared with me how her brother had picked up that letter and after reading it let her know what an impact it had had on him.  He shared with her how "it put everything into perspective".  I saw her brother a few days later and he thanked me for writing my words.  He explained how it had made his Christmas...in fact, it had made his week.  He ended his conversation with these two words, "Be blessed".  AND you know what....we are.  I shared with him how I had hoped it would minister to those who read it.  Another friend of mine shared our testimony with her Mom's bible study group.  When she received our letter she asked if it would be all right if she shared the letter with the same group??  I did not hesitate.  If this letter ministers to just one person I have done my job sharing the love of Jesus through sweet Elliott's birth.  And that is exactly what I had prayed for.  If you haven't read our letter you can find it here.  Be blessed.

Easy??

Tuesday this week marked two whole months since we had said good-bye to our sweet Elliott.  I have to be honest and say I didn't even think of it...until about 4pm that day while I was sitting at my desk at work. Then it suddenly hit me.  It was December 13.  Two months ago I held my sweet boy for the first time and said good-bye to him as he joined his Grampie in heaven.  Even now, it so very fresh in my mind.  I'm sad.  My heart is heavy.  Others around me are pregnant and I'm so very happy and excited for them.  I truly, truly am.  So, dear friends and sweet sister-in-law if you are reading this....please, please do not think you must hide from me your joy of expecting another gift into your family. New life is precious.  So very so.  And...a miracle straight from our Jesus...whether those gifts are planned or not.  In fact, surprises are the very best.  Elliott was a huge surprise to us.  Maybe that's why it so very hard to grasp what is Jesus is planning here.  The plans he has for our family....I know they are good and just.  I know they are BIG.  Here again is where patience comes in.  Over and over our family has been hit with trials and tribulations.  So, when my husband was holding me as I sobbed on Tuesday night and my sweet little girl was asking me if I was sad because I missed Jesus (She has Christmas and Jesus on her brain...and that is fine by me!)....I wondered aloud "why can't anything be easy for us?"  I just can't get that part.  I watch as others around me are blessed beyond measure with a quiver-full....while we struggle to grow or family by one.  

After our third miscarriage I was so ready to stop the whole trying-to-conceive roller coaster...no more Dr's visits, infertility drugs or tears.   I had definitely prayed through all my feelings of "needing" to have a biological child.  Aaron and I had cried many, many tears over the loss of our three babies.  And talked much about our next step.  We joked as we filled out adoption paperwork where it asked about race.  To us, it did not matter...could we put purple?  Do you see my point?  Our arms ached to be filled with a little, breathing person.  One that Jesus had picked just for us.  It did not matter that this baby could very well be brown, have curly, curly hair and wouldn't look a thing like either one of us. Now, we are coming to the place again in our lives.  I, personally, am having to pray through those very same feelings again.  I'm not going to lie. It's a very, very hard place to be. I know my Jesus made me to be a Mommy...and my arms ache with wanting to hold a child. My child.  Let me just say I don't differentiate between biological and adopted.  Both Halle and Elliott are my children.  One grew in my heart and the other grew in my belly. I want to smell that sweet baby smell and wash those cute, tiny clothes.  And you know what?  I want a little boy.  Our girl needs a little brother, my husband needs someone to work in the garage with and pass his Bronco on to....a little boy to learn about tube amps and guitars....how everything works. Yes, Halle does love her Daddy's Bronco and she would probably work in the garage, gladly.  She will do anything if it includes spending uninterrupted time with her Daddy.  But, you understand my point.  I have his name picked out and I'm praying for him, specifically.  Jesus knows the desires of my heart.  But, that doesn't make this any easier.  Adoption involves much cost and prayer. The first we don't have much of, thankfully, the last we have lots and lots of, along with friends and family that will come along side us.  We spoke with our Adoption Agency last week and were encouraged by our sweet, kind contact Margaret.  But, the fact still remains....it will cost us money that we don't have to bring home our sweet baby.  This is how Jesus wants us to grow our family and we will gladly walk this road again....because he has asked us to do so.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" James 1:27

Wordless Wednesday--Our Sweet Elliott

A few more photos for you to enjoy.  Our precious little boy.....this will give you a better idea of what size he actually was.  I am holding him in the middle picture.  AND...the bottom he has his Daddy's ring on his hand.  Again, I am reminded of how Jesus knits these precious gifts together in our womb's.  We serve a truly amazing Heavenly Father.  WOW.

Memorial Tats

Yes, we did it.  In honor of our son, both Aaron and I got tattoos last friday.  Which just also happened to be the anniversary of my Dad's heavenly graduation.  Yes, the footprints are true to size....and the three hibiscus represent the other three miscarriages I had.  The verse is significant to me because without a shadow of a doubt I believe all my babies were a gift....straight from our Jesus.  And...their sister Halle also has a sign in her bedroom with James 1:17 on it.  "Laus Deo" means "Praise be to God" in Latin....Aaron has had this phrase on a post-it-note attached to our printer for months now.  I think even before we found out I was pregnant.  It is so important to him.  Just because my husband is creative and all that stuff, he designed both of these tattoos.  Did I mention I love him very much for doing this?  It is definitely his way of processing October 13 and the days that lead up to it.  You know what? We will show these off proudly.....and what a testimony.  I have already ministered to many with these tattoos.....do I believe Jesus works through these??  You bet I do!  And...my Dad would be proud!

Our Son

Let me take a moment and introduce you to our Son....Elliott Aamdot.  It's important to me that I do this.  He is still our son even though he's not here with us.  And we want all of you, those we love to know him just as we do.  Last week we got his pictures back from the photographer. Oh.My.Word. What an incredible job she did.  This is my very favorite one.  Why?  Because I can see his sweet button nose and that little mouth. After studying this multiple times....I can see pieces of Aaron and I in our precious gift.  His nose, could be like his Titi's (my sister, Amber...she has a button nose), but...then again, the Benner's also have cute button noses like Elliott's cousin Hayden.  And his mouth...every.single.time. I look at it I see his Daddy.  And...this face he's making is also just like his Daddy.  I'm so very thankful for the way Jesus is showing me these things. When I looked at him on the day he was born it was hard to tell if he looked like either one of us.  He was so little and I was so caught up in the moment...seeing this precious life that I had carried for 19 weeks...that Jesus had knit together in my womb. How simply amazing.  I don't know how anyone could look at this picture of our Elliott at just 19 weeks gestation and not know that a human life is a miracle.  One we should never ever take for granted.  Only our Jesus could make something as precious as this.  Let that sink in.  From the very moment Elliott was conceived our Jesus knew him and the plans He had for his life.  Plans of greatness.  Plans to teach other's about the love of Jesus.  I am so thankful for this.

Thankful

As the days move on things are becoming more normal at our house.  We are living and enjoying every day.  Remembering to be thankful, thankful for those 19 weeks Elliott was in our lives.  Thankful we got to hold him and count all his fingers and toes. Thankful we will receive his pictures today.  Thankful that my co-workers are letting me talk about Elliott and love to hear about him and his birth.  Thankful that November is National Adoption Month and the very month that our Halle came to live with us.  Thankful that our dear friend Rachel is pregnant with a little boy after many, many years of trying.  She and her husband, David and their son Hudson hold a very special place in our hearts.  We stayed with them in Austin, TX when we picked up Halle.  Thankful our friends and family are helping us search for the "perfect" gift for Halle...the Leap Frog Leappad Explorer Tablet.  They are, unfortunately, sold out every where.  Our hearts are healing slowly and we are aiming to be more intentional with our time and those we spend our time with.  Aaron and I are both looking forward to our appointment on Friday to get memorial tattoos celebrating Elliott and for me....the other three babies that are in Heaven with our Jesus.  The month of November holds many happy memories for us...the phone call from our adoption agency to let us know that we had been chosen to be Halle's Parent's, booking our plane tickets, flying to Tyler, Texas, meeting Halle and her Mommy Michelle, not to mention her fabulous Foster Family the Jones', staying with the Clark's who we had never met until the day we arrived at their house.  We instantly became fast friends.....knowing our Jesus brought us together for a reason.  The culmination of that week was flying home to arrive early on Thanksgiving morning with time to sleep and head out to spend the day with our family.  The best part of that day??  Introducing them to our daughter, Halle Grace.

But, this month is also bittersweet.  My Dad graduated to Heaven on November 25, just five years ago.  I know he is happy and whole, praising His Jesus and taking care of all my babies, but...that doesn't stop the sting, the hurt and the longing.  I know if he was here he would have so many faith-filled words of encouragement for Aaron and I.  I know he would race around with Halle and make her laugh, he'd probably teach her how to play all things sport related.  He would understand my struggle I'm having right now.  Yes, I'm still trying to understand why, if Elliott was going to heaven, did Jesus allow me to become pregnant?  I don't know if all of you know our history of infertility.  Never before was I able to conceive without infertility drugs.  Never. In November 2010 I felt Jesus was telling me to just trust Him and have faith.  So we stopped using birth control and 6 months later I found out I was pregnant with Elliott.  Our Jesus works in miracles....and Elliott was just that.  I have a close friend that I called when I found out I was pregnant.  She had been having a rough go of things, her Aunt had recently passed away unexpectedly and her cousin (her Aunt's daughter) who is also a classmate of mine,  had just found out she had breast cancer at 36.  Not easy things to take.  I knew she needed some happy news.  She was ecstatic when I told her our news.  Now, she like me is really struggling with the why's. She hugged me at church a few Sunday's ago with tears in her eyes.  Telling me she just didn't know what to say.  Sharing that she was having a hard time processing this.  You know what?  I love that about my friends.  They are honest and forthright.  I am so glad she told me that.

The message series at our church has been "Honest Answers for Hard Questions".  It has been so very good.  The other night I was reading my bible, going over some scripture I had marked during the message series.  It was hitting me right between the eyes.  Everything, I do mean everything I was reading was quietly saying patience. comfort. faith. perseverance.  Wow!  Aaron and I are often reminded of these things.  And we often think we have patience.  Sheesh, God has been working on that with us for at least six years.  You would think he was done teaching us.  Apparently not.  It's becoming clear He is teaching us many things through our sweet Elliott.  And you know what?  I'm also very thankful for that.  So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, would you join me in practicing thankfulness?  I'm certain there is at least one thing you can be thankful for.  If not, be thankful for Jesus and his unending faithfulness.  I know I am.

One month....

One month ago today at 4:50pm I gave birth to our son, Elliott Aamodt.  Do I miss him??  Of course I do.  Do I remember him, most definitely. Today I'm remembering him so fondly.  Wishing I could just hold him again....count his fingers and his little toes.  Kiss his little button nose. But, he is in heaven with my Jesus and his Grampie.  Yesterday, was kind of a sad day.  I knew Aaron was all set to go to "Pipe Club" with his buddies.  I also knew, and remembered that the last time he went was the fateful night/early morning that I coughed when getting into bed and felt that gush of blood...this led to our trip to the ER and eventually the delivery of sweet Elliott.  So, it was bittersweet for Aaron....spending time with his friends, enjoying their company and remembering what happened that last time.  When he got home from work last night I asked how his day had been....he told me he was sad.  Sad remembering that it had been one month.

I'm sad that Elliott is no longer here on earth.  But, I've decided I'm so glad he was born in the fall.  Fall is my most favorite time of the year.  I love, love, love the changing leaves,  the crisp fall days and the smell of all things spicy and pumpkin.  Eggnog latte's arrive and so does Starbuck's "Pumpkin Spice".  I will always remember this time of year as Elliott's time.  October 13 will be etched in my mind forever. The day I became a Mommy again. Now, when I see the leaves changing color and the days getting shorter and colder.  Elliott will definitely be in the forefront of my mind.  What a sweet reminder for me.  That night seems like just yesterday.  When I close my eyes, unfortunately, it all comes back to me.  The phone call to my Mom to stay with Halle, the trip in the car to the ER, the Dr. telling me "Looks like you're having a miscarriage"....the cold harsh reality that I was going to give birth to our son that day.....four months too soon.  So, there you have it.  Here is how we are doing one.month.later.  If you asked me today, "How are you?" Because that seems to be the question of the hour...I would say "good".  Three weeks ago I would have said, "ok".  It's getting better.  I cry less....I'm still grieving....I still miss my son....my arms still ache without him in them.  But, I'm thankful, still so very thankful I carried him for 19 weeks.....11 weeks longer than I had carried any baby before.  I felt him move...all over the place (he was a mover & shaker...and did not like to be still).....I experienced childbirth and I get to see my sweet Elliott Aamodt again!

Bold and Courageous

Last weekend....I read this book by an extraordinary women named Angie Smith.  Wow. This book knocked my socks off.  It was exactly what I needed at this time.  I have been following Angie's blog since 2008 when they began to tell their story of sweet Audrey Caroline....she too is heaven with our Elliott Aamodt.  Before Elliott graduated to Heaven,  Aaron and I had suffered three early (8 weeks or before) miscarriages...so, when "I will Carry You" came out I chose not to read it.  I didn't think I needed it...at the time our situations were different.  The week after I delivered our boy I knew I needed this book.  As I sat in the bath tub while Halle slept and my husband "tinkered"in the garage (he loves to do this!) I laughed cried & prayed all because of this book and how Jesus was working through Angie and her writing.  I found myself identifying with her in an uncanny way.  She had carried Audrey longer than I carried Elliott, but....we both left the hospital empty-handed without our sweet babies who had went on to be with Jesus.  This book is so faith filled and stuffed with scripture, but...in a way that I can follow and understand.

In the book Angie talks about how Audrey made her strong and able to do things she would have never done before.  I really don't want to give everything away in case you too decide to read this book.  And...my friend you should.  If you have ever experienced a loss of a child or if you know someone who has please do yourself and your friend a favor...pick this up.  I knew exactly what she was talking about.  Delivering Elliott has made me stronger, more bold and certainly courageous.  I know it was not a coincidence that the Saturday before Elliott arrived Aaron and I went to see the movie "Courageous". Though nothing could prepare us to say good-bye to our son before we got to say hello this movie gave us the added faith boost we needed.  Angie writes about having such a peace upon entering the hospital for her scheduled c-section with Audrey.  I too felt that.  I did not like hospitals and the whole time I was pregnant I was so nervous to give birth.  My Dad was 53 when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that had already spread to his bones and his prognosis was not good.  He spent A LOT of time in that hospital and that is what I had remembered.  It scared me. Make no mistake that Jesus gave me that sense of calm I needed on October 13 to deliver our son.  HE carried me.  I'm not asking you to understand this I'm only asking you to consider it. How else could I do what I did??

I have never been one to be bold and courageous when speaking of my faith and love of Jesus.  I'm very, very sad to admit this.  My Parents taught me at a very early age what it means to love Jesus and when I was just seven I asked Him to live in my heart.  I grew up in a Christian home attending church on Sunday's and taking part in all church activities.  This is what we did.  This is what I knew.  When my Dad was diagnosed with his cancer he took a very bold approach to witnessing.  Not a fanatical, get in your face approach, but...I believe he knew his time on earth was limited.  He took his faith and his Jesus VERY seriously.  It was not uncommon for him to pray for others when they came to visit him either at home or in the hospital.  He sang worship songs while waiting to be seen by a Dr in the ER, he laid hands on and prayed for a Nun while waiting for a CT Scan, and he believed Jesus would heal him.  I have never been more proud to call him my Dad.  He is and will always be my Hero.  I'd like to think he was there with me that day, but...I know it was Jesus.  I could not help but remember how my Dad's body was broken and still he pressed on.  HE carried my Dad.  So today, if you tell me I am "so strong", "amazing"...."courageous"...I will not hesitate to tell you, whoever you may be, why I am this way.  Because of my Jesus.  I find myself speaking more freely about my faith these days.  I'm more thankful.  And can I just tell you? Jesus is working in our lives.  All of us.  Even my sweet little three year old Halle girl.

Deep Thoughts

The Sunday after I delivered Elliott, my sweet friend Dena came up to spend some time with me.  We went out for dinner and to see a movie with our friend Jessica and just spent time being together talking about the things women do after giving birth.  Dena spent the night with us and Monday we had an appointment to meet with the Funeral Home and arrange Elliott's service.  Dena graciously agreed to come with us and we were so glad.  After the arrangements had been made I asked Dena if she would like to see our sweet boy.  I knew Elliott was already there and knew that Auntie Dena would want to see him...she nodded yes and we waited while they got Elliott ready.  How did I know??  I knew not everyone would want to do this or see him, but...Auntie Dena had commented earlier on that it just wasn't fair that Grampie (in heaven) got to meet Elliott before she did!  We entered the viewing room and took our last peek at our sweet boy.  We checked out his fingers and toes and his long legs.  Dena asked if she could take a picture to show her Mom.  I agreed as I knew that this was exactly what she would do.  Fast forward about two weeks later.  Dena's daughter Jessica (age seven) is flipping through the pictures on her phone.  She stops on the picture of Elliott and says, "Whoa Mom, what is this??"....it's understandable that Elliott looked different.  Not like a full term baby would....and days had passed since his graduation to Heaven.  Dena took a deep breath and knew she had to tell Jess more about Elliott.  She explained what had happened, how I was feeling and answered questions for her.  When Dena was done Jess turned to her Mommy and said, "I get it!".  Perplexed Dena said, "You do?"  Seriously, this seven-year-old little girl got it?? Wow....she turned to Dena and said, "Yes, sometimes you get Isaac, and sometimes...you get the lamb." Let it soak in.  Yes, friends....the lamb.  

Now I Lay me Down To Sleep

I would like to tell you about the extraordinary care we received at the hospital when I delivered Elliott.  My Doctor (Dr. K) was not on call that early morning, but....another of her associates (Dr. M) was there to meet us in Labor and Delivery Triage.  He was kind, informative and sensitive to our situation. We needed that.  I asked a lot of questions.....can I have an epidural?  I've never delivered a baby...what would this be like??  He explained that I was dilated to almost three and Elliott's little foot was already coming down.  We knew from our appointment at the University of Washington just two days earlier that our little Elliott was not viable.  They would not be able to use life-saving measures for him after he was delivered...we would have needed to wait until he was at least 23 ideally 24 weeks gestation....he was only 19 weeks.  For health reasons this was not an option for us.  Keeping my cervix open for four, possibly five weeks was just not going to happen.....the risk of infection was too great and with E's little foot coming down that would also cause many problems.  I think it was at the moment that I truly chose to cling to my Jesus.  A sense of calm came over me.  I knew that without my Jesus I could not do this. When I asked Dr. M how long this would take he thought I would deliver on Friday.  That was a FULL day away from where we were.  I didn't like that idea too much.  Waiting to deliver a baby who is full term that you will bring home with you is one thing...knowing you'll be waiting that long to deliver your baby that is moving on to heaven is another.  

We got all checked into our room and I had all the standard care....IV inserted, blood pressure taken -- let's talk about this.  Can I tell you how much I don't like those automatic blood pressure taker things??  I'm sure there's a technical term for them.  But, let me tell you when you are in the midst of labor and this thing is taking your blood pressure automatically every 15 minutes...it's not too fun.  It literally squeezes your arm so very tight and you have to remember to straighten your arm just so they can take it.  Crazy!  Anyhoo...My guess is at this time I was probably having contractions....just not feeling them.  The Dr.'s explained that when your uterus is this small you can't feel them and they don't register on their monitor. HMMM.  Aaron literally fell onto the extra "Daddy" sleeping bed and began lightly snoring.  I could not for the life of me sleep.  I know it was adrenaline and everything else going through my mind.  I prayed....laid still and felt Elliott still moving in me....I was thanking Jesus for Elliott and his life....I was praying for my husband.  He is such a sensitive, loving big Teddy Bear.  I knew this would crush him.  

This is where I will tell you about our nurses...Catharine & Lauren.  Oh.my.word.  Such sweet, caring, kind women.  They were with me for the entire day.  They have 12 hour shifts so from 7am-7pm these two cared for me.  They answered more questions for me and explained what it would really be like to deliver our sweet Elliott.  I signed a consent form for an epidural...so everything would be ready when the time came.  They encouraged us to celebrate Elliott's life, to hold him, take pictures and rejoice that we had a little boy.  They told us about "Now I Lay me Down to Sleep".  An organization that volunteers to come in and take pictures of babies that go on to live with our Jesus in heaven.  We didn't want to take pictures ourselves...that would have been just too hard.  But, to have someone else come in and professionally take pictures of our Elliott would be so special.  We would cherish those FOREVER.  Catharine & Lauren also explained that an organization called "Mary Madeline Project" makes gowns for babies from donated wedding dresses.....not only do they make gowns, but...blankets as well.  When Elliott is born, they would bathe him and put him in one of these gowns.  Precious.Perfect.Special WOW!  What an amazing gift. 

At 4:50pm on Thursday, October 13, 2011 I gave birth to our son Elliott Aamodt Benner.  He weighed 10.4 oz and was 9 1/2" long.  He was perfect.  He had all his fingers and toes, long legs and big feet....and the thing that will stick with me forever...his sweet button nose.  Even now I can picture it!  I'm so glad.  From day one this little guy was a huge surprise and he certainly didn't disappoint with his delivery.  Dr. K was in another room and Catharine knew I was getting close....she had run out to get my Dr. as I was bleeding a bit too much for their liking.  It was then that Elliott decided to make his appearance.  Catharine delivered Elliott.  Daddy and I cried and cried.  What a tremendous journey this had been.  It was at this point that I knew I could weep and rest in Jesus' loving arms with my husband.  I had done my job as a Mommy.  I had delivered my sweet boy.  Catharine, Lauren & Dr. K looked over Elliott, wrapped him up and presented him to me.  Aaron and I marveled at this little guy created by our Jesus.  Elliott was bathed and put in a gown with a sweet yellow and cream blanket wrapped around him.  The photographer came to take pictures of our sweet boy.  I can't wait to see those.  Amy Van, came to spend some time with me as Aaron took a breather and went to get us some real food.  Amy, thank you for loving on my sweet boy.  For not being afraid to help place that sweet hat upon his head.  That blessed me so much as Elliott's Mommy. 

I would be forgetting something if I did not also thank, Alisa my night nurse & Michelle who was with me the next day.  Incredible.  Thank you Pastor Kurt for coming to see us on this extraordinary day.  And our dear friend Sean Taylor for coming to support my husband.  We love you both so much...it is sometimes not comfortable to be in a situation like this with people you love.  Kurt & Sean we will never forget what you did for us that day!

Phew...this is a marathon post.  If you are still with me....bless you!!  The video above tells just one story of a family touched by "Now I Lay me Down to Sleep".  As I watched this I can so identify with the photographer, Jessica.  Elliott was here.  I will never forget him.  

Faithful

When Aaron picked me up from the hospital the day after giving birth to Elliott....I walked out of "Labor and Delivery" proudly carrying Elliott's memory box.  It is filled with lots of reminders of him.  His hand and footprints, a sweet, sweet card from the nurses, a small blue teddy bear and now it holds his ultrasound pictures and our hospital bracelets.  Lots and lots of memories in there.  I was thankful for our sweet nurse Michelle who lead us down the hallway and opened the door as we left.  I walked outside with my husband on that sunshiney day and got into our car.  Let me tell you about my husband.  He is a man of few words.  The words he says are profound and have much, much meaning.  AND...music means the world to him.  Jesus first, his family and then definitely music.  He had prepared for this trip home by having Chris Tomlin's CD "All to Us" in the ready.  Oh does this CD minister.  If you don't have it...get it.  On our drive home the song above "Faithful" came on.  We both sat with tears streaming down our faces as we worshipped our King.  Thanking him for being so faithful to us even in this situation.  We knew without a shadow of a doubt that we needed to have this played at Elliott's service.  And we did.  Now, fast forward to a week later.  Halle and I are driving to a pick up my Mom to attend a volleyball game of our cousin....this CD is still playing in our car and I'm sure it will be for many more days to come.  "Faithful" comes on....Hal listens to about two bars and then says, "Mommy, we sing this at church"...."Yes, Sweet girl, we sang it at Elliott's service...do you remember?  Uncle Joel played his guitar and Miss Becky sang?"....."Yes" she says, "Let's sing it again"....and so we did FIVE more times. Our girl also has passion for music like her Daddy.  She knows what she wants to listen to and will ALWAYS make that known.  What a healing moment this was for me.  Our sweet big sister singing the song that means so much to her Daddy and I.  I will gladly sing that song with her......ONE HUNDRED more times if that's what she wants. 

A jumbled mess....

That's me today.  a.big.jumbled.mess.  I'm happy one minute when my sweet Halle girl climbs in my lap while I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and quietly says "I love you Mom"....I'm sad, so sad while I sit here smelling the beautiful flowers that were given to us upon Elliott's passing.  I can't quite keep it together.  I'm crabby when I remember someone telling me "Next time you just need a cerclage!" Seriously??  That would not fix that fact that I have had three previous miscarriages prior to 8 weeks.   I'm afraid I'm going to forget Elliott, I'm afraid we'll never again have enough money to adopt another child because frankly, I can not have this happen to me again.  There is only so much one can take both physically and emotionally.  I feel as though my body is broken because I have been unable to carry a baby to full term and my heart right now has a big tear in it....I did not ask to be a member of this club.  Who would want to??  No one.  I know my Jesus did not make this happen.  Because I know this He and I have been talking lately about this very thing.  Why would he allow me to get pregnant if this was to happen??  I'm really having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. I'm remembering how it felt to have Elliott moving in me and how happy I was to wear maternity clothes and talk to my friends about actually being pregnant for longer than 6 weeks.  I know this is so much to process in such a short time.  It's only been a little over a week.  But, again I'm that girl.  The one who likes to have a plan....likes to have the whole story.  Where do we go from here??  I'm looking to my Jesus to provide me with answers that I need.  I know, I know...I may never have a definite answer to some of my very hard questions.

We are overwhelmed in a very good way with all the love, support, prayers and encouragement we have been getting from all our friends and family.  Our church and friends have provided endless meals, goodies and even a bottle of wine (Thanks TenKley's!)....we have eaten more sugar over the last week than we did in over 5 months!  The Facebook messages I have received from friends have literally carried me through some rough patches.  I have connected with girls that had the very same thing happen to them.  And for that I am truly grateful.  Just typing this post is starting to make me feel better.  I need to process.  I have been reading Angie Smith's blog again...back to her old posts about her dear, sweet Audrey.  And I ordered her book from Amazon today.  I also ordered "Heaven is for Real" for kids.  I have read the one for adults and I thought this might be helpful for Halle.  She is asking all kinds of questions about heaven and her baby brother being there. She asked us on Friday before Elliott's service so matter of factly, "What is heaven?"  Aaron and I just looked at each other and did our very best to give her a few answers.  I told her we would tell her more when she was a little bit older.  So friends & family, this is how we're doing.  Good some days and bad on other's.  Please continue to pray for us.  We'll take all the prayers we can get!!