Friday, December 16, 2011


Tuesday this week marked two whole months since we had said good-bye to our sweet Elliott.  I have to be honest and say I didn't even think of it...until about 4pm that day while I was sitting at my desk at work. Then it suddenly hit me.  It was December 13.  Two months ago I held my sweet boy for the first time and said good-bye to him as he joined his Grampie in heaven.  Even now, it so very fresh in my mind.  I'm sad.  My heart is heavy.  Others around me are pregnant and I'm so very happy and excited for them.  I truly, truly am.  So, dear friends and sweet sister-in-law if you are reading this....please, please do not think you must hide from me your joy of expecting another gift into your family. New life is precious.  So very so.  And...a miracle straight from our Jesus...whether those gifts are planned or not.  In fact, surprises are the very best.  Elliott was a huge surprise to us.  Maybe that's why it so very hard to grasp what is Jesus is planning here.  The plans he has for our family....I know they are good and just.  I know they are BIG.  Here again is where patience comes in.  Over and over our family has been hit with trials and tribulations.  So, when my husband was holding me as I sobbed on Tuesday night and my sweet little girl was asking me if I was sad because I missed Jesus (She has Christmas and Jesus on her brain...and that is fine by me!)....I wondered aloud "why can't anything be easy for us?"  I just can't get that part.  I watch as others around me are blessed beyond measure with a quiver-full....while we struggle to grow or family by one.  

After our third miscarriage I was so ready to stop the whole trying-to-conceive roller more Dr's visits, infertility drugs or tears.   I had definitely prayed through all my feelings of "needing" to have a biological child.  Aaron and I had cried many, many tears over the loss of our three babies.  And talked much about our next step.  We joked as we filled out adoption paperwork where it asked about race.  To us, it did not matter...could we put purple?  Do you see my point?  Our arms ached to be filled with a little, breathing person.  One that Jesus had picked just for us.  It did not matter that this baby could very well be brown, have curly, curly hair and wouldn't look a thing like either one of us. Now, we are coming to the place again in our lives.  I, personally, am having to pray through those very same feelings again.  I'm not going to lie. It's a very, very hard place to be. I know my Jesus made me to be a Mommy...and my arms ache with wanting to hold a child. My child.  Let me just say I don't differentiate between biological and adopted.  Both Halle and Elliott are my children.  One grew in my heart and the other grew in my belly. I want to smell that sweet baby smell and wash those cute, tiny clothes.  And you know what?  I want a little boy.  Our girl needs a little brother, my husband needs someone to work in the garage with and pass his Bronco on to....a little boy to learn about tube amps and everything works. Yes, Halle does love her Daddy's Bronco and she would probably work in the garage, gladly.  She will do anything if it includes spending uninterrupted time with her Daddy.  But, you understand my point.  I have his name picked out and I'm praying for him, specifically.  Jesus knows the desires of my heart.  But, that doesn't make this any easier.  Adoption involves much cost and prayer. The first we don't have much of, thankfully, the last we have lots and lots of, along with friends and family that will come along side us.  We spoke with our Adoption Agency last week and were encouraged by our sweet, kind contact Margaret.  But, the fact still will cost us money that we don't have to bring home our sweet baby.  This is how Jesus wants us to grow our family and we will gladly walk this road again....because he has asked us to do so.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" James 1:27

1 comment:

Life in a nutshell said...

I so understand your struggles. I too, have been there. Know that He will provide ALL you need, even the money. I never in a million years thought that I would be where we are now, but He is faithful. Hang in there.