My Heart

I've been meaning to do this.  BUT, my life is SO full.  Halle is playing soccer, Lucy has been walking since she was TEN MONTHS and is the busiest kid EVER.  I work three days a week.  I have piles of laundry in my house and a dirty floor and dusty tables.  But, through all of this I feel complete and well taken care of.  I'm thankful and blessed.  And Jesus is working on me.  He is handing me ways to be used by HIM.  My testimony is speaking for me.  The sweet, short life of our Elliott is blessing others even today.  It's part of me and my testimony.  It was hard, so hard…but, I learned so very much.  I would give anything to have our son here with us. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt his life was not in vain.  When life is hard, my friends, cling to HIM.  Let HIM lead you.  Surround yourself with those who lift you up.  Those who care for you and love you just the way you are.  Really, isn't that what our Jesus does?  He gets into our messy lives, our dirty floors and dusty tables.  He reaches all the cobwebs and covers us with HIS grace.  He carries us when we can't carry ourselves.  He is simply the BEST!  He is my refuge and my strength.  And, my portion.

And…because it's been SO long since I've been on here….let me share with you pictures we had taken in September of our beautiful family.

More of our journey with Lucy

I shared with you all how Lucy was placed in a foster home for two nights with the Blake family. While we were in Abilene they invited us over to share a dinner with them.  What a joy that was. CV and Shelly got to share their hearts with us and we got to share our lives with them.  This family has two grown children (and two super cute Grandkids!) and lovingly welcomes littles into their Foster Home.  The first five foster children they had in their home were boys and…they all attended their daughter's wedding a few years ago.  I saw that picture on the coffee table in their home and thought it was familiar to me.  YES.  It was on the cover of our Agency's news letter. They showed us an extra room in their house which holds 8X10 photos of all their foster children, with the name they gave them (alphabetical, named after cities and counties in Texas) and a ceramic plaque with both their feet and hand print that CV had made for each of them.  A large bulletin board is there as well, filled with cards, pictures and anything else they have received from their littles. We could not have asked for a better place for little Lucy.  HIS handprints were all over this.  Do you want to hear more??  Lucy was born on her Uncle Brian's birthday and was placed with us on Kiana the Great's Gotcha Day.  She was due on the very same day as her big brother Elliott.  Becca, our Social Worker from Christian Homes attends the very same church as our good friends, The Andrew's….and she works with Kristi every single Wednesday night at the mid-week service.

Friends, never doubt that Jesus has HIS hands in every.single.thing. you do.  When we told Christian Homes that we would be willing to be placed with a baby that the Birth Mother wanted to see in person each year we stepped out in faith and trusted that Jesus had our best interest at heart.  We knew that if it was supposed to happen our Jesus would work it all out, the money for visits, the timing everything. Lucy's whole adoption has been covered repeatedly in prayer.  Many family and church members (they are also our family) prayed fervently for her little life.  My husband wept tears in the rocking chair in her nursery.  One of good friends had a prophetic dream about her life.  This was meant to be.  We have received an outpouring of funds to cover her adoption and feel so very blessed by all of it.  Our Jesus has an incredible plan for our Lucy Faith.  Sometimes all you need to do is jump and trust.

Lucy Faith

Last I left you all I was sad, broken and frustrated.  But, never fear my friends.  Our Jesus is ever faithful and He works in miracles and so many cool, amazing ways.  One day after I posted that last message we received a phone call from our social worker in Texas…I missed the call, but the message went something like this, "It's Becca from Christian Homes….she signed the papers. Just wondering when you'd like to come pick up your baby!"  Needless to say, the wedding we had been super excited to attend (We love you Jason, Karm & Kenz!) was quickly forgotten and I rushed first back to my work to share the news and let them know I would not be in on Monday. On the way home I called Aaron repeatedly, but…he was at an appointment and I had to leave a message.  I called everyone I knew and shared our incredible joy, Lucy Faith was coming home to her Forever Family.  We packed our bags that night and Daddy booked us a flight for the next day…destination TEXAS, to meet our sweet girl.  Big Sister Halle was super duper excited to fly on an airplane for the first time she remembered.  Our Halle girl is a so hard to wake up in the morning, let me say, this was one of the first times she jumped up out of bed quickly!

Lucy had been placed in a temporary foster home the day her Birth Mommy signed the papers. A home filled with love and grace and such incredible Godly people.  Just a little background on this.  Just days before I had been texting with my friend Kristi, who lives in Abilene and welcomed us gladly into house for a week, she mentioned the Blake's to me and said if Lucy's Birth Mommy ended up placing her see if she could be placed with this family until we arrived.  Guess what? When we arrived in Texas I got a text from an unknown number.  It was Lucy's Foster Mom. Yep. It was the Blake's.  Our Jesus knew. More on this incredible family later.  And more on our journey with Lucy.  Her sweet Birth Mommy & brother DJ, the people we came in contact with and HIS fingerprints which were all over this.


We can not post pictures of our Lucy until her adoption is finalized.  For now, you may see a lot of her hands and feet.

Broken

We're broken.  Sad. Angry. Confused.  And so many more other feelings.  It was on February 3 that I received an e-mail from our Adoption Agency asking if we would allow our profile to be shown to a prospective match.  I nearly drove off the road when I saw it. For the record, I was driving, but only glanced at it and read the rest later when I arrived at my destination.  Aaron and I talked it over and agreed we were more than ok with the stipulations that Birth Mother has requested.  We knew that if our Jesus was in this He would allow ALL of it to come to fruition.  I e-mailed back the agency and we began praying.  That if it was His will the Birth Mother would choose us.  If not, that the perfect family would be chosen for this baby who was already growing in our hearts.  A week later I came home to another e-mail asking that we call the Agency ASAP.  There was a huge snowstorm going on in Texas and they needed our phone number….I responded with our phone number and moments later, my phone rang.  We confirmed a phone meeting the next day to have the Birth Mother "presented" to us.  This is where they read history to you about said Birth Mother. We, of course, were more than excited. The next day Aaron and I meant at his work and listened intently as they presented this precious Birth Mother to us.  Her story, so unlike Halle's.  We fell in love with her and the baby girl that was yet to be born.  Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But, our Jesus' has his fingerprints all over this.  The baby was due on March 6.  Yes, Elliott's original due date.  I had been praying that somehow that would come into the adoption picture.  I wasn't sure what it would look like, but…it was going to be there.  It would be our sign, from Jesus.  Not only that, but said Birth Mother has a 15 month old son who was living with her in the Maternity Apartments at our Agency.  At Christmas the Agency had posted on FB asking if anyone would like to purchase toys for children living in these apartments.  I quickly answered yes and was matched with a one year old boy.  Yes, that was her son.  He received a Christmas present from us.  Two days later I had a short 15 minute conversation with Birth Mom and felt as though I could just sit down and chat with her…I was encouraged and excited to meet this Woman in person when our sweet baby girl was born.  A few bumps in the road came after…..Birth Mom was out of contact with the agency for a few days, we fretted, prayed and worked through it.  She arrived back to the Agency and three days later I received the phone call that she was in labor, but…was not sure she could follow through with the adoption.  My heart stopped.

Now, it's three days later.  Baby Girl has been born and she is with her Birth Mom, who has nothing.  No home of her own, no family, no money and I'm assuming no clothes or necessary things to take care of this sweet girl.  I'm broken.  And at first I was MAD.  So stinkin' mad.  Even at Jesus.  I'm going to say it and be honest.  I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel.  Trust me.  I've made it through three miscarriages, infertility, the death of my Dad and son and bouts with anxiety and depression.  I know how to persevere.  I know what it means to press in and give to Him.  I know how to pray and intercede.  I know without a shadow of a doubt our Jesus is in control.  But, then I was not having it.  Even now, I'm struggling.  This to me seems like the hardest thing I have been through.  I was laying in bed last night wondering why??  I didn't even feel this way when we lost Elliott.  It hit me then.  I was going to see Elliott again.  I will see my Dad again and all three of my babies in Heaven.  I do not know if I will ever see this sweet baby girl that was to be our Lucy Faith.  Her clothes are washed and ready for her, the tiny diapers and socks.  The "Little Sister" and "Big Sister" shirts.  It's all so confusing. So we wait yet again.  The Birth Mom decided she would like to try parenting this sweet girl for two weeks.  All you parents out there know the first two weeks are the hardest.  I'm not sure how to pray and Aaron and I both feel defeated.  So, we're asking that you pray for us.  And would you please pray for our Halle?  She's confused too and I'm realizing we need to be careful what we say about this situation.  We want her to understand the the Birth Mother is making poor choices. That she doesn't know what is best.  I have had to explain this again this morning.  My anger has made it's way into Halle and I don't want that to keep happening.  Please, please pray for this sweet baby girl that will not have a future without her forever family.

Use ME

Yesterday while I was in the shower, I was praying.  Just a simple prayer.  "Lord, use me". Whatever that looks like, I want to be used for your glory.  I want to be a friend to people who may not have too many, I want to share my testimony of infertility, of loss and more importantly, of HIS faithfulness.  I want to learn more about Him.  I was thinking more about this as I drove home from a massage last night.  I was super sore, but...feeling blessed.  Sometimes, it's the little things.  It may be just listening while your co-worker shares with you struggles she is facing....or choosing to go out of your comfort zone and introduce yourself to someone you don't know.  I've learned that listening to my Jesus is SO important and really so easy.  Friends, Jesus gives me strength.  Without him I would be a puddle, literally, a dirty mud puddle on the ground.  He was the one who picked me up and sustained me through infertility, the loss of my Dad and four babies.  He is still carrying me and will all the days of my life.

September, October and November could well be the most important months of the year for our family.  Halle's birthday is September 26, Elliott's birthday is October 13, Halle joined our family on November 20, and my Dad passed away on November 25.  Then we have Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Ironically, I love these months.  Through all the heartache.  I feel joy.  Sometimes, I need to choose to feel it, but...it's always there. Would I change the path of the journey I've been on?  Absolutely not.  Would I change the outcome?  Yes.  I would love nothing more than to have my Dad here to see Halle and spend time with her.  To pray me through the loss of Elliott.  I would love to be hugging my son, playing cars with him and teaching him to throw a ball.  To see if he has red hair or brown eyes.  To see if he looks just like his Daddy.  Tomorrow we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here with us.  We are choosing to celebrate his life.  And more importantly, our Jesus and HIS Faithfulness.

I will sing to the maker of heaven and earth.  God you reign forever and your love will endure. Faithful and true is the name of the Lord.  You are FAITHFUL God!

Sharing with You All

This evening I popped on over to one of my very favorite blogs.  Raechel Myers has inspired me from the very first time I read a post on "Finding my Feet".  She, like me, struggles with carrying a baby.  And....they lost their baby girl Evie only hours after she was born.  Just a few weeks ago, she found herself unexpectedly pregnant.  Like me, pregnancy does not bring her joy.  It brings fear.  It should not be like this, but...I so know where she is coming from.  You can read her post here in it's entirety.  I identify with so very many of her feelings.  On Sunday, we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here on this earth.  The pain is getting a little less, but the memories, oh...they are still so very fresh.  

Officially Waiting

My heart is full of anticipation.  I can say right now I have not one bit of uneasiness at all about our adoption.  It's true.  Praise the Lord for this.  I know, that I know, that I know....our Jesus is in control.  Is it easy to give up our control?  Absolutely not.  Is it a struggle for me, daily?  Yes.  Have I learned over the last almost two years that He will always be in control.  Abso-stinkin'-lutely.  He is the Almighty, the Great I am...the Redeemer.  AND...His grace is sufficient for me.  As of about three weeks ago, all our paperwork has been turned in to our adoption agency and we are officially "waiting" for that very special Birth Mother to choose us.  Doesn't that make you just giddy??  It does me.  Sometimes, I try to be very nonchalant about it.  Oh, it's no big deal.  We're just waiting to add another member to our family.  One that our Jesus has picked out just for us.  My goodness.  Some say waiting is the hardest part, and you know what, it well could be.  But, I have resolved that it's not going to be.  So, I press in to Jesus because I know He is the giver of our gift.  Would you please pray for a few things for us??

• HIS timeline.  That's right.  We have been told this process may take anywhere from 18-24 months.  That is a quite a bit longer than we waited for Halle.  But, we know that He is control and truly He knows best which child is right for us and when that said child will become a part of our family.
• The Birth Mother.  For wisdom, guidance and His grace.  That she would feel loved and appreciated and know that she is sacrificing so much, but giving us the "Best Gift Ever".
• Financing.  We have applied for a grant and it may be up to ten weeks before we hear back from then.  We know that our Jesus will provide, but...it never hurts to have the extra prayers.
• For our Halle.  She is super, duper beyond excited to be a BIG sister.  In her almost 5 years she has been a part of a lot emotionally.  She has watched her Mommy carry her little brother and not bring that same brother home from the hospital.  She knows where he is and has a greater understanding of Heaven.  But, bringing a new little person to her home may put a wrench in to her seemingly "I'm the only child" attitude.  We plan on taking Halle with us to meet her new brother/sister.  We would love to visit with her Foster family as well as maybe her Birth Mother (if she is willing).  Pray for our sensitive little girl's heart.  This may be a lot for her to take in.  
• Our stay in Texas  We have to wait for some paperwork to be filed and approved after the baby is placed with us.  This can go super fast (it was less than a week with Halle) or super slow.  We'd like the quicker route, pretty please.  Aaron only has so much time off and would love to be there with us.    

I know for some, you may think this premature.  We haven't been matched yet and we just turned our paperwork in.  Nope.  That baby is growing in our hearts and it's never too early to share with others your needs and how to pray for them.  And I know that He is faithful!

A GREAT gift...and a much needed Update

Adoption is a gift....given straight to us by our Jesus.  As we delve into this process again we have been reminded of His faithfulness and promises yet again.  I shouldn't be surprised.  God is molding and shaping us as a family.  Yesterday He reminded us, ever so gently, that He is in control.  And unfortunately, we are not.  When we first initiated contact with our Adoption Agency, almost 11/2 years ago the wait for a child was less than a year.  We took our time readying ourselves emotionally to bring another baby into our home.  We were grieving our sweet Elliott and needed the extra time to heal.  We have now finished most of our paperwork and just need some time to clean out the baby's room.  The next step? Welcoming our Social Worker into our house for the home visit part of our home study.

The Agency is only asking we write a letter to the prospective Birth Mother and prepare a Profile (a photo album of sorts).  Yesterday I e-mailed our contact at the Agency and asked for specifics on the Profile and letter....I needed to make sure the requirements were the same as they had been when we prepared one for Halle's adoption.  I was surprised and a little bit disappointed, when she answered back with the specifics and then gently informed us that the wait time for a child had changed from 9-12 months to now 18-24 months.  Margaret (our contact) had told us that more and more Mom's are choosing to parent their children.  That initially sounds great.  We want Mom's to keep their babies...if they are fit and willing to do so.  It also breaks our hearts to think of all these children who may end up in the Foster care system because their Mommy's end up being unable to care for them.  I panicked a little.  Ok...maybe more than that.  Thoughts swirling in my head...I quickly forwarded the e-mail to Aaron and kept him in the loop. We could do two things in this situation.  Panic more.  Or press in to our Jesus.  We chose the second option.  Aaron reminded me that this doesn't change our situation at all.  We still are not in control.  Only HE is.  You would think through all we've been through I would remember this.  Um.  Not so much, I guess.  He knows who our next child will be.  He will knit that child together in it's Birth Mother's womb, before it arrives here and becomes part of our "Forever Family".  Only He knows that timeline.  More patience.  More faith.  More of His story to tell.

This morning I woke up hopeful, excited.  Because, more than anything, I know Jesus knows.  He has a plan, even if doesn't fit into ours. Maybe, the timeline will change.  Maybe it won't.  It doesn't matter.  We're here.  Waiting...ready and willing to do what our Jesus wants us to do.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, He will use this to grow us more.  And more. And more.  Bringing us closer to Him.

The Quilt

Yes.  The quilt.  This is Elliott's.  It was given to us by our church at his Memorial Service.  It is so special and one of the only tangible things I have that is his alone.  It sat in a hidden place for about a year or so.....when I took it out I was having a particularly hard day.  One where the tears wouldn't stop and thoughts of my sweet boy were so vivid and clear.  Really, I don't know why I waited so long.  I remember when Pastor Kurt handed that quilt to me at the service.  Explaining that when we had a hard day we should wrap this around us and let His love hold us.  It worked.  I really just wanted to hold something that was his.  In my arms.  Tight.  The blanket smelled a little musty like that hidden closet and I washed it later that day.  AND....now it stays under my pillow.  I know it's there and somehow it makes me feel just a little bit closer to my boy.  The one who's picture hangs on my living room wall and fills my heart with joy.....knowing that when I get to Heaven one day.  He'll be there.  March 3 passed a few weeks ago and you know what?  I made it.  I chose JOY over sorrow knowing that Elliott was with the one who created him and holds everything in His hands.  He is faithful friends.  I know that this journey has not been an easy one, but...I wouldn't change it.  Yes, I would change the outcome, more than anything I wish he was here with us.  But, Jesus is molding me through all of this.

He has brought people into my life when I needed them most.  My friend Trisha and I share the bond of having lost our children too soon. Both in the same month, as Megan and Elliott have birthdays just one day apart.  She and I did not grow up together, attend the same church when young or even go to the same school.  Yes, we do go to the same church now.  But, we have a bond and our friendship is growing...and I love it.  She is one of the people that really, truly understands me and what I have been through.  Our Jesus blesses us when we are together.  And, our girls, both age four love to play together.  Well, most times.  They have very similar personalities and sometimes that doesn't mix well.  But, they too are learning and sharing...and growing.  Together.  And you know what?  That blesses me.

March is Coming....Again.....

That's right.  It is.  March is right around the corner.  With that comes spring (hopefully!), new life, hope.  But for me March is not a happy time.  It should have been.  That was when our sweet baby was due.  March 3 will be forever blazed in my memory.  I should have been planning a nursery, filling it with trucks and tractors and lots and lots of guitars.  Placing the rocking chair just so....washing little blue clothes.  Cuddling with my sweet Elliott as he slept in my arms.  Instead....last March was when my life started taking a downward spiral.  I began sinking right around my due date and really didn't surface until this October.  I needed help from my Doctor and my family and certainly from my Jesus.  That being said.  I'd like to think I'm well now.  And, really I am.  But, in the back of my mind....I know that March is coming....and I'll need extra support then.  I've already told Aaron that.  It is important to let others know how to support you when you go through the valleys.  It's important to have friends around you who understand and sometimes, just listen...maybe even cry with you.  Losing a child is something I wish never happened to anyone ever again.  It's horrible.  But, I know that our Jesus carried us through this time.

Last week, my cousin Lisa sent me this video.  It really speaks my heart.  Unfortunately, her cousin Duane and his wife, Abbie are featured in this video.  They now have two sweet little girls Paige & Quinn who was just born this December.  You may want your kleenex handy. Don't say I didn't warn you.  If you have walked through this or know someone close to you that has.....just know Jesus knows.  He cares for you. He is holding your sweet little person close.

Our Year in Review

Merry Christmas To all our Friends and Family!

We pray this finds you happy, healthy and blessed as we are.  This year has been a year of learning for our family.  We’ve learned how very important our Jesus is when you are going through the valleys.  It took us this whole year to grieve our sweet boy Elliott Aamodt.  To say this year was happy would not be true.  It was sad, it was hard, it was nothing like any of us have ever been through.  But, the best news is we made it through.  We persevered…we learned, we worshipped our Jesus through the good and the bad.  And, He, as always came through.  We are looking forward to 2013 with GREAT anticipation of what our Jesus has in store for our family.  We will begin the process to adopt another sweet little baby into our family in January.  We ask that you pray for us as we navigate this journey yet again.  We can’t wait to fill our little home with more love and laughter.  Halle is more than giddy to have a little brother or sister to care for and, most importantly, we know Jesus has called us to do this. 

Right now, this world and its troubles seem like such a sad and disappointing place to be.  I’m trying really hard to focus on our Jesus, the REAL reason for this season. To remember the blessings He has given us. The roof I have over my head, the computer I’m using right now…my sweet husband and little brown girl.  My family.  They may be crazy, well sometimes, but….they are all mine.  Life is precious, and this year has really shown us this.  Would you do the same?  Be blessed.  Be thankful.  For those things you have, not what you are missing.  Take some time and sit at HIS feet, in HIS presence, worshipping the Gift He has given to US. 

Blessings to you and yours,

April for all three of us 

Another One

These last four weeks have been hard for a dear friend of mine and her family.  We grew up together and the Mama (Marj) of this family babysat for my sister and I while our Mom worked....we are all like siblings.  About four weeks ago Stacy, pregnant with her first baby after trying for so long had her 20 week ultrasound.  That ultrasound did not provide them with exciting news as it should have.  They learned their baby was a girl, but...her growth was at least two weeks behind where it should have been.   When you get news like this it hits you like a huge punch in the gut....one that takes the breath right out of you.  Trust me.  I certainly know what it feels like.  Marj works with me and had been sharing baby girl's progress with me.  I knew that our Jesus wanted me to encourage Stacy.  But, I got busy and time got away from me until she had another Dr's appointment and I felt Him speaking to me even stronger than before.  I gathered my thoughts and sent her a text.  Our Jesus knew.  She was having a bad day and it was exactly what she needed.   Through those four weeks she had many ups and downs....good days and bad.  I continued to send her scripture, encouragement or whatever Jesus laid on my heart.  Eventually, she was admitted to the hospital to await delivery of her baby until she was viable.  Those of us who have lost babies hate that word.  It makes you cringe.  Unfortunately, little girl had decels in her heart rate and Stacy was wheeled in for an emergency c-section last Friday.  Little girl was actually a little boy.  Gabriel Raymond weighed just 13 oz and was the very same length as our Elliott, 9 1/2".  He was prefect in every.single.way.  And such a miracle.  He entered this world crying which no baby that little ever does.  He was a fighter and his name is such a testimony of that. Little Gabriel only lived for 24 hours.  Those hours were filled with hugs and kisses from his Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa & Grandparents.  He was so loved.

On Tuesday, Gabriel's Oma, Marj, came back to work.  She stood in front of all of her co-workers and shared Gabriel's story.  One of courage. Gabriel means "God is my strength".  That is so true.  Marj shared all of this with us. What a testimony.  She went on to explain her Bible reading that morning and how the Angel Gabriel was center-stage in that reading.  There were lots of tears that day.  But, so many, many seeds that were planted.  Over the past nine months that office has experienced not one, but now two very similar instances.  They know Jesus is a big part of my life and Marj's.  And they are learning how our Jesus is faithful to carry us through these times.  And in the words of Dr. Suess "A person's a person, no matter how small".  We'll share our thoughts and pictures of both Elliott and Gabriel because they are a part of our story.  One that shapes us and makes us who we are today.

Please pray for Mike & Stacy and their extended family.  Their hearts are breaking right now.  I'm reminded of this verse and what it meant to us during this time.  What a reminder.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.  What they did  to Jesus they do to us-trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us-he lives!  Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us.  While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 (Message)

HIS Glory

Last week as I was recovering from the yucky stomach flu I got a phone call from our amazing church videographer, Evan.  He asked if our Pastor had spoken with me over the last couple of days.  Nope.  I had not spoken with Pastor Kim.  Evan explained that the message at church on Easter Sunday would be about never forgetting what Jesus had done.  He then asked if Aaron and I would be willing to share our testimony via video with our church family.  Immediately I wanted to scream, YES!  I knew this is what Jesus wanted us to do.  I knew we needed to do this, but...I also had to check with Aaron first.  He responded quickly knowing just like I did that we had to do this.  It was our story...and one we needed to share with many who needed to hear it.  I won't keep you waiting...here it is.  But, I must tell you that the only way Aaron and I were able to share this was with our Jesus' help.  The same Jesus who carried us through that October week carried us through this testimony.  Giving all praise and glory to the one who gave us our precious gift, Elliott Aamodt.


Aaron and April's Story from North County Christ the King on Vimeo.

Easter Weekend in Pictures

Our Easter Weekend was packed FULL.  Of our Jesus, family & lots of fun stuff!!

 Walking so fast they're blurry!

 This sums of these four PERFECTLY.  Crazy fun!!

 Pure joy on the little brown girl's face!

Little Lincoln!  Poor only boy with these silly girls!

A Hard Month

Wow.  This month has been one for the record books.  One I care not to visit again.  Ever.  I knew it was going to be hard with my due date being in March, but...I kinda wasn't expecting it to be this hard.  The anxiety, fear & depression came crashing upon me on my due date and it didn't let up until this past week.  I prayed, quoted scripture and clung to my Jesus.  And if that wasn't enough Halle and I both had the stomach flu.  The first time for our sweet girl.  And, let's just say this Mommy doesn't do very well with the throw up.  Yuck.  At least we didn't have it at the very same time.  Thank you Jesus.  I learned of two other Mommies that lost sweet babies to Jesus this month.  Way too soon.....I don't know either of them, but...my heart aches with them and longs for Heaven where we can see our sweet babies again....whole and well.  I can't wait.  Sometimes heaven seems so far away.

Do any of you watch "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC??  I absolutely love this show.  I love the Duggar's.  Having 19 children is definitely not for us, but...this family does it well.  And...I don't necessarily agree with having more children when you are 45.  But, it is definitely not my place to judge them...they are sticking to their faith and convictions and we all need more of that in this fallen world.  I was concerned when Michelle announced she was pregnant again, especially in light of her pregnancy and early birth of Josie.  I was pregnant with Elliott at the time and for some reason this made me even more concerned for her.  When they found out that sweet Jubilee Shalom had went to be with Jesus, I could certainly identify with her as we had been in the same place just two months before.  My heart ached for her, Jim Bob and the entire Duggar Family.  What a great loss.  As Jubilee's story unfolded via media I was so glad they had celebrated her life.  And...I so looked forward to watching this story on their show.  When it aired this week I sat on the couch prepared with a box of kleenex.  I knew I would need it.  I could hardly make it through the previews without sobbing.  So many emotions swirled through my head.  So many similarities between our situations.  Even the words Michelle spoke as she was laying on the exam table after her ultrasound.  I spoke the very same words after the ER Doctor told Aaron and I that I was having a miscarriage.  "The Lord gives and takes away....Blessed be the name of the Lord".  Michelle also spoke of her thankfulness.....that she got to see Jubilee and her sweet features.  That she looked just like a little Duggar.  I so loved that.  Especially since I could see features of both Aaron and I in our sweet Elliott, truth be told....I think he would have probably looked more like his Daddy.  He certainly had his lips....and still every.single.time. I look at Aaron's face and see his side view I get so happy knowing he has a son that looks like him.  To me I love that reminder.  I wish the Duggar's did not experience this same loss....and I wish we didn't either, but...I know our Jesus has a much bigger plan for our family and theirs.  And I also know that He does not promise us a world without trials and tribulations.  I know that He will carry you and me and every single one of us through these trials and tribulations if we only seek Him with all our hearts.  Cling to Him my friends.

Will you continue to pray for our family, please?  A friend of ours posted on FB a week or so ago that families that have lost a baby are in a very lonely place.  It's true.  This week Aaron and I are preparing to share our testimony, well it's really Elliott's testimony via video for our church family.  We know that this is what Jesus wants us to do, but...I expect it will not be an easy task.  Please pray He will give us the words to say that will touch others and help them understand that Jesus truly can carry you.  And while your at it.  Bind the devil.  We are doing Jesus' work and I know he won't like it one bit.  But, too bad.  Take that nasty, old devil.  The score:  One for Jesus....BIG FAT ZERO for you devil.

March 3

Because it's late and sleep is evading me.  Or, more like I'm avoiding it.  And....my due date is looming right ahead of me.  The house is quiet, less Hal's coughing down the hall and Elliott's soundtrack playing on iTunes.  And my sobbing.  I'm trying to do it quietly so I don't wake up my sweet, tired husband.  I miss our sweet Elliott terribly.  More than anyone will ever know.  My heart hurts.  My emotions are swirling around inside my head.  I once thought I may forget him.  Never.  Not a chance.  Ever.  I just looked at his pictures and silently sobbed for what we don't have. A little boy who looks like his Daddy.  Chubby arms and legs playing with cars and trucks.  Sweet jammies with guitars on them. The chance of red hair and brown eyes.  Hugs around my neck and slobbery kisses on my cheek.  Dirt.  Lots of dirt.  A little brother for our Halle girl.  Oh, sweet boy....you are missing out on all of this.  I'm so sorry.  I know heaven is a indescribable place filled with kindness, love, Your Grampie and most importantly, our Jesus.  But, you're there and we're here.  It's just not fair.  I didn't get to feel you snuggle up close to me while I whispered in your ear, "I love you buddy"....or sweetly kiss your sweet head while Mama fed you at night.

This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess.  If you're not careful it can consume you.  This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY.  But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so.  So, I'm going with it.  I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY.  But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me.  I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital.  We are still so thankful for all of them.  And all my Doctor's.  Our Jesus knew what I needed.  Every single step of the way.  Our amazing church family.  Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching.  That meant the world to me.  I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now.  And I would say that's ok.  My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart.  So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life.  Those are the things that bring me great JOY.

Anxiety, Fear and the Devil

Since the first of the year, Aaron and I have made changes in our quiet time...we actually have it now.  Before, it seemed we just couldn't find the time.  I work 32 hours a week in three days. That means I'm at work by 6am and usually I don't get home until about 6pm.  When I get home...Halle needs dinner right away and Mommy and Daddy need to eat too.  Bed time comes shortly after and if I am working the next day I need to get all Halle's stuff ready for the next day and mine too.  I'm busy.  So is Aaron.  But, we were using our busyness as an excuse.  We are making the time to read our bibles and study the word.  It's becoming a habit for us and I'm so thankful.  I won't tell you it's been easy, because sadly it hasn't.  I have been in such a spiritual battle.  This past week I experienced more anxiety and fear than I have in probably 7 years.  It was paralyzing me.  Have any of you experienced this??  My word.  It stinks.  After a few days of battling this on my own I approached Aaron and shared with him what I was going through.  I am so thankful that my Husband is a Man of God, full of prayer.  I know when I ask him to pray for me, he does.  I can feel it.  My entire thought process has changed since Elliott.  Being more bold in my faith is causing the mean ol' devil to take notice of things I'm doing.  How I'm speaking out, sharing my faith...even the words I type on this blog.

Not long after Aaron and I were first married I went through a really rough time.  I had so much fear and anxiety...and depression.  My Dad was fighting for his life, battling his way through cancer and I had a lot of health issues I was dealing with.  It was hard enough for me to get out of bed, let alone go to work.  I prayed a lot.  This scripture became my lifeline:  Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus....Philippians 4:6-7, NIV  And this was a very close second:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind....2 Timothy 1:7, NKJ  I have grown up in the church.  In a spirit filled, hand raising, speaking in tongues church.  One where people have "fallen in the spirit" after being prayed for.  One where words of prophesy were prevalent.  I think you're getting the picture.  I know what a spiritual battle is.  I knew then and now that I was going through one.  How do you come against this? Pray without ceasing.  Bury yourself deeper in the word.  Sing praises to our Jesus, pray in the spirit.  Do not believe what the devil is telling you. He is a liar, pure and simple.  He came to steal and destroy....Our Jesus came to bring us life....more abundantly.  And, that mean ol' devil will not destroy me.  Folks we are in a spiritual battle.  It's time to put on the full armor of God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Epeshians 6:10-18

Adoption Fund

It's time folks.  We will be starting the process again soon to adopt.  Without a shadow of a doubt, we know our Jesus has called us to do this again.  We are extremely excited and can not wait to fill our home with another sweet little person.  How can you help? As we walk this journey again we will need lots and lots of support and prayer.  We are calling all prayer warriors to stand by us and uphold us.  The ups and downs of adoption can be somewhat daunting.  With the unexpected bills from my hospital stay and Elliott's burial costs we are strapped financially.  But, we have faith that God will bring us the funds we need.  If you would like to help out in this way I have updated the Paypal link on the sidebar of our blog....you do not need a Paypal account and may donate by credit card if you wish. If you choose to remain anonymous (Paypal does not allow for this), but...would like to help out you can also mail a check (please reference our name in the note field) directly to our Adoption Agency at the address here:

Christian Homes and Family Services
Attn:  Margaret Ballew
1202 Estates Dr.
Abilene, TX 79602

Thank you for your continued love and support.  We appreciate each and every one of you. Stay tuned for some adoption fundraisers...namely tutus and personalized t-shirts!

Resting in Him

When Aaron and I began trying to conceive (ttc) about 1 1/2 years after we were married I felt kind of lost.  I knew it probably wouldn't be an easy task.  It had taken my Mom some time to get pregnant with me, my cycles were wonky to say the least and everyone around me seemed to simply blink and they were expecting.  I turned to the internet.  I can't remember why, or who told me to, but I decided it would be a good idea to chart my cycles using a basal body thermometer.  I devoured this book.  By the way, as a side note...this book should be required material for any woman in her twenties whether or not she is TTC.  It is incredible.  Never have I learned more about how my body works.  I could tell you all my tricks of the trade, but...read it for yourself.  It's a good one to have in your library.  I searched the internet and found a website called Fertility Friend.  I charted my cycle there as it was much easier than on paper.  Through that website I found Two Week Wait.  It was there I found a group of Christian women who were in the very same place that I was.  We all shared our faith and TTC.  Little did I know these women would be part of my life for years to come.  It's amazing to me how our Jesus brought us all together.  He orchestrated this perfectly.  The founder of the website Two Week Wait lives in Austin, TX...as do many other women in this very group.  We currently have a private Facebook group with 18 of the very same women that I began this group with some 6 years (I'm guessing) ago.  WOW.  These women have lifted me up when I've been so down.  They prayed me through infertility, the death of my Dad, three miscarriages and Elliott's graduation day.  They were the first people I told I was pregnant each and every time...except for Aaron of course!  They probably know more about me than most of my very close friends.  AND...I have only met TWO of them in person.  

When we flew to Texas to pick up our sweet Halle girl, Rachel who I only knew from Two Week Wait offered her home to Aaron, Halle and I. Wow.  I remember when she called me up and talked with me for the very first time.  I felt like I'd known her forever.  It was as if she was one of my closest friends.  And you know what?? She is.  During my pregnancy with Elliott and all the complications and his delivery she covered me in prayer.  I know without a shadow of a doubt she did.  She called many times during our crisis and just talked with me.  About Elliott, about his birth....asked me what he looked like.  Cried with me.  I love her and I've only spent one week of my life with her face-to-face. When we were in Texas I also met Elle, the founder of Two Week Wait who has Ella Bella Photography, and still a member of "Resting in Him".  She generously took amazing photos of Halle one of the first days she was placed with us.  When Elliott passed away this amazing group of women not only sent us flowers, but....two days later I received a box of GIGANTIC chocolate covered strawberries with a note simply saying...we all need some chocolate.  AND...now one of my most treasured possessions.  This beautiful necklace made especially for me with not only Halle, but....Elliott's name as well.  If you are in a similar place in life that I was in I encourage you to reach out to others.  Find a place where you can share your struggles and triumphs.  Where others know what you are going through....a place like Two Week Wait.  More than that, I encourage you to be honest and forthright.  To share with your friends and family, if you feel comfortable doing so...let them know what you are going through.  It helps so much for them to know how to approach you.  More than that, I'm available if you need someone to e-mail or talk to. Leave me a comment here.  I honestly don't know how many or who reads my blog. I would love to "meet" you so to speak, pray for you and stand with you as you walk the unknown, most likely, bumpy road of trying to grow your family while dealing with infertility.  And to my Resting in Him girls...Yes, our Jesus knew what he was doing.  I'm so very thankful for each and every one of you.  

 Rachel (dark hair) with her son Hudson, Elle holding Hunter & her son Hayden next to Halle.

 One of the amazing photos Elle took of Halle.  I can't believe she was ever this small. Sigh.

Those GIGANTIC chocolate covered strawberries.

My necklace as Halle reads it...."Love, Halle & Elliott".  I say perfect.

Sharing HIS Blessing

This year when sending out our Christmas letter I sent it to almost everyone.  I wanted each and everyone of you to know about Elliott.  To hear his story.  To know why we are the way we are.  I believe that's part of being bold and courageous...sharing how our faith has carried us through this extraordinary journey.  Over Christmas numerous friends and relatives have shared with me how the letter has touched them.  How they read it with tears in their eyes and in a lump in their throats.  Aaron and I have accepted many extra hugs and kisses and "I'm so sorry" has been shared with us more times than I can count.  And we greatly appreciate this.  We've had two offers from amazing women who wanted nothing more than to carry our baby for us.  Being a surrogate Mommy.  WOW.  The same day I had the first offer for surrogacy a dear friend of mine offered money for our adoption.  That literally brought me to tears.  Offering to give what little extra they had.  I didn't send out that letter for pity.  I only wanted to share what words Jesus gave me to share.  Our testimony.  Elliott's short yet, so meaningful life on earth.

On Christmas Eve, my Aunt shared with me how her brother had picked up that letter and after reading it let her know what an impact it had had on him.  He shared with her how "it put everything into perspective".  I saw her brother a few days later and he thanked me for writing my words.  He explained how it had made his Christmas...in fact, it had made his week.  He ended his conversation with these two words, "Be blessed".  AND you know what....we are.  I shared with him how I had hoped it would minister to those who read it.  Another friend of mine shared our testimony with her Mom's bible study group.  When she received our letter she asked if it would be all right if she shared the letter with the same group??  I did not hesitate.  If this letter ministers to just one person I have done my job sharing the love of Jesus through sweet Elliott's birth.  And that is exactly what I had prayed for.  If you haven't read our letter you can find it here.  Be blessed.