Another One

These last four weeks have been hard for a dear friend of mine and her family.  We grew up together and the Mama (Marj) of this family babysat for my sister and I while our Mom worked....we are all like siblings.  About four weeks ago Stacy, pregnant with her first baby after trying for so long had her 20 week ultrasound.  That ultrasound did not provide them with exciting news as it should have.  They learned their baby was a girl, but...her growth was at least two weeks behind where it should have been.   When you get news like this it hits you like a huge punch in the gut....one that takes the breath right out of you.  Trust me.  I certainly know what it feels like.  Marj works with me and had been sharing baby girl's progress with me.  I knew that our Jesus wanted me to encourage Stacy.  But, I got busy and time got away from me until she had another Dr's appointment and I felt Him speaking to me even stronger than before.  I gathered my thoughts and sent her a text.  Our Jesus knew.  She was having a bad day and it was exactly what she needed.   Through those four weeks she had many ups and downs....good days and bad.  I continued to send her scripture, encouragement or whatever Jesus laid on my heart.  Eventually, she was admitted to the hospital to await delivery of her baby until she was viable.  Those of us who have lost babies hate that word.  It makes you cringe.  Unfortunately, little girl had decels in her heart rate and Stacy was wheeled in for an emergency c-section last Friday.  Little girl was actually a little boy.  Gabriel Raymond weighed just 13 oz and was the very same length as our Elliott, 9 1/2".  He was prefect in every.single.way.  And such a miracle.  He entered this world crying which no baby that little ever does.  He was a fighter and his name is such a testimony of that. Little Gabriel only lived for 24 hours.  Those hours were filled with hugs and kisses from his Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa & Grandparents.  He was so loved.

On Tuesday, Gabriel's Oma, Marj, came back to work.  She stood in front of all of her co-workers and shared Gabriel's story.  One of courage. Gabriel means "God is my strength".  That is so true.  Marj shared all of this with us. What a testimony.  She went on to explain her Bible reading that morning and how the Angel Gabriel was center-stage in that reading.  There were lots of tears that day.  But, so many, many seeds that were planted.  Over the past nine months that office has experienced not one, but now two very similar instances.  They know Jesus is a big part of my life and Marj's.  And they are learning how our Jesus is faithful to carry us through these times.  And in the words of Dr. Suess "A person's a person, no matter how small".  We'll share our thoughts and pictures of both Elliott and Gabriel because they are a part of our story.  One that shapes us and makes us who we are today.

Please pray for Mike & Stacy and their extended family.  Their hearts are breaking right now.  I'm reminded of this verse and what it meant to us during this time.  What a reminder.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.  What they did  to Jesus they do to us-trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us-he lives!  Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us.  While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 (Message)

Gratitude

This my friends may be hard for some of you to read.  I hope you plug on through and try, just try to understand my heart and where I am coming from.  I have been pregnant four times.  Yes four.  I have not once brought that baby home from the hospital with me.  I do not have five kids to care for at home.  Instead, I have four babies in heaven with their Grampie, a grave for my son and the label of "infertile".  I am not looking for sympathy or trying to make any of you feel guilty.  I am simply sharing my heart.  Infertility and pregnancy loss is not an easy thing to talk about for most.  For me, it's simple.  It's my life.  It's my testimony.  It's why I am the way I am.  Am I sad that my body is not able to carry my children.  Yes.  Do I cry?  Yes.  Is it hard for me to understand?  Yes. 

To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle.  Not just for me.  For any woman.  Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works?  What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle?  Just a sidenote: if you don't...you should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility".  It lays it all out for you.  A miracle.  That's right.  Let's go back to that.  Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this.  But, I'm telling each and every one of you...it shouldn't.  Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle.  I know being pregnant is not fun for some.  And I think most women would agree that it's work.  Hard work.  In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that!  No. On second thought you better not.  You have indigestion and gas.  Your guts are moving up to provide room.  Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly.  Seriously.  This is amazing.  The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it.  You cry.  As you get further along, your back begins hurting.  You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back.  This makes you more crabby.  You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief.  But, it's part of carrying your miracle.  Did I have back pain? YES.  Was I uncomfortable?  YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch.  And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks.  I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.

I can tell you how grateful I am.  That our Jesus gave us Elliott.  That I carried him for 19 weeks.  Moving and kicking in my belly.  I feel so privileged.  So thankful.  So full of gratitude.  Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain.  Because of this I feel sad.  Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant.  Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle.  It hurts my heart so.  I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy.  To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me.  To realize the gift growing inside them.  If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings.  They have spent time with me.  They know my heart.  They have aches and pains like I did.  Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful?  Count down the days until you deliver with happiness?  And get to hold your son or daughter?  That you get to have your baby inside of you still?  Growing and moving?  Kicking you to remind you he/she is there?  I sure think so.

Adoption Fund

It's time folks.  We will be starting the process again soon to adopt.  Without a shadow of a doubt, we know our Jesus has called us to do this again.  We are extremely excited and can not wait to fill our home with another sweet little person.  How can you help? As we walk this journey again we will need lots and lots of support and prayer.  We are calling all prayer warriors to stand by us and uphold us.  The ups and downs of adoption can be somewhat daunting.  With the unexpected bills from my hospital stay and Elliott's burial costs we are strapped financially.  But, we have faith that God will bring us the funds we need.  If you would like to help out in this way I have updated the Paypal link on the sidebar of our blog....you do not need a Paypal account and may donate by credit card if you wish. If you choose to remain anonymous (Paypal does not allow for this), but...would like to help out you can also mail a check (please reference our name in the note field) directly to our Adoption Agency at the address here:

Christian Homes and Family Services
Attn:  Margaret Ballew
1202 Estates Dr.
Abilene, TX 79602

Thank you for your continued love and support.  We appreciate each and every one of you. Stay tuned for some adoption fundraisers...namely tutus and personalized t-shirts!

Wrestling

In my mind lately I've been wrestling with a few things.  Praying through them...talking with Aaron.  After, I decided this was silly and why was I keeping this all inside when my husband may very well feel the same way?  I needed to talk with Jesus....and rest in HIM.  I'm sure you're wondering what I've been wrestling with.  Well, should we or should we not try again to grow our family the conventional way....with me carrying that baby in my belly?  Right after Elliott I was so ready to be done...and move on to adoption.  We even had a phone conversation with our adoption agency.  We were ready.  I don't know what happened after that.  I'm guessing it was that mean old doubt.  Creeping in.  Who was I to decide what God was going to do in our lives??  Did we have a right to make this decision?  Would others think we were selfish?  Are we without faith?  I read blogs of women who had lost their first babies near the same time as me and now were pregnant again.  They were required to be on bed rest for enormous amounts of time, living near hospitals.  This could be me.  Could I do that??  Leave my home, my daughter, my husband and my job?  Just to carry our child knowing even that may not work.  The more I thought about it the more I wrestled. Did I want to be pregnant again?  Holding my breath for the first 12, but more likely, 20 weeks?  Would I have gestational diabetes again? Could I even get pregnant?

Finally, last Saturday I sat down and talked with Aaron.  I approached the subject with a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. "Are we making the right choice?  Should we stop trying?"  His answer was quick and without hesitation.  "Yes." He then explained that Jesus had spoken clearly to him a few Sundays ago at church.  Our Pastor had been talking about an impromptu offering we had taken specifically for orphans....to feed them, as the cost of this had gone up hugely and the organization that did so was very short of funds.  That Sunday we raised thousands of dollars for this very cause.  We gave money to that offering because Jesus had prompted Aaron to get cash back when at the bank a few days before that.  While our Pastor stood before the congregation thanking them our Jesus whispered to Aaron, "I'm proud of you both and the choices you have made...choosing adoption." I'm paraphrasing here as Aaron did when telling me, but...that was definitely the gist of the conversation.  The next day we went to church and it felt like signs from Jesus were everywhere.  Our Pastor mentioned adoption many times in his message.  But, he was speaking about how God adopted us into his family.  To me that was all I needed.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt what our Jesus wanted us to do.

We are passionate about adoption.  Not just because we are unable to carry biological children.  This is not just another means for us to grow our family.  As Christians, we all should be....Jesus clearly tell us to in James 1:27.  Just yesterday we received a newsletter from our adoption agency.  I poured over it and read how adoption had changed many lives.  I hope to share with you some of those stories.  As we approach CHRISTmas in two days, I am in awe of our Savior and all He has done for us.  Ever mindful that it all began with a little baby boy.  Our Jesus.

Audra Joy

My friend Stacy had her little girl on Sunday...what a beauty she is.  Go on over and check out little Audra Joy.  

Harper Brown Stamps

I am a blog hopper....I know, I know...but, seriously....I found this blog after reading Angie Smith's blog about her daughter Audrey Caroline.  Kelly and her husband have gone through infertility and were so blessed when they became pregnant with their daughter, Harper.  That's what drew me in...you see us women who have gone through infertility love to hear other's stories...it lifts us up...it makes us feel not so alone.  So...I have been following Kelly's blog and anxiously awaiting the birth of Harper...I checked last night and found she was born but, had some complications and had been airlifted to another hospital where they could care for her better.  I added a button on my right sidebar..."Praying for Harper"...would you join me in doing so??? Thanks so much!!!

New favorites for the baby

Ok...so these are three of my new favorite things we have been given for the baby!  My Mom gave us that so very cute polka-dot blanket!!  It is so very soft and cuddly, in fact, I told Aaron I was going to use it until the baby comes.  Just kidding!  But seriously, isn't it the best??  Thanks Mom...see, you do know what I like!  Then my friend Amy S. from work got the baby these cuddly, so very soft little guys while she was on vacation!  I was also tempted to take them to bed with me, but...don't worry I didn't!  Thanks so very much Amy...I truly do appreciate your thoughtfulness....I'm so excited for the baby to see these two!!

Dear Sweet Dena

Remember this post?? In that post I said I would sometime in the near future dedicate a post solely to my dear friend Dena.  Here is the post.  This has been rumbling around in my head for sometime now.  Probably close to a month.  I just wanted to make it fitting to her and I wanted everyone who read it to, at the most,  get just a glimpse into Dena's life.  I met Dena when Aaron and I were dating...to say I loved her immediately would be true.  My husband was friend's with her husband, Josh, who just so happened to graduate from Lynden High School with me.  Imagine his shock when he learned Aaron was dating ME!  I remember the first time we met like it was yesterday.  Dinner at Lucci's...with Josh, Dena, Tyler and Bob.  Tyler immediately took a liking to me and sat near me almost the whole dinner.  Dena was easy to talk to and so like me.  We both liked to bake and cook....she is crafty and witty!  And a super Mommy.  Dena is one of those people you just want to hug...and one you can talk with for HOURS...trust me...we have spent many a night chatting while my husband has gone to bed, her kids are asleep and Josh is working late.  You can trade recipes with her and talk about the message at church on Sunday.  We have seen each other in good times and bad.  I believe God brought Dena into my life for such a time as this.  She is a Mommy to FOUR amazing kiddos: Tyler, Julia, Jessica & Isaac.  I hesitated a bit when typing four.  But...quickly got past that.  You see, when Dena was a single Mom of Tyler she became pregnant with Julia.  She chose to give Julia a life that she never would have had...she chose adoption!  Perhaps this is yet another reason why I so love my friend Dena.  From the beginning Dena has been so open about Julia and her adoption and with that her testimony...she has an amazing one by they way!  God has used her immeasurably.  Through the almost five years that Aaron and I have been married we have been through some rough times.  Dena & Josh have been there for us!  Through three miscarriages (one of which happened while staying at their house), infertility and the death of my Dad.  They drove 3 1/2 hours one way to attend my Dad's Memorial Service...that is true friendship.  I always know that Dena is praying for us....just because. We love her and her family so much...and we are Godparent's for Miss Jessica Belle.  Because of all of this I asked Dena to help with something near and dear to me.  When we go to pick up our baby we may need to stay for longer than a week.  Now, Aaron can only stay for a week.  So...after praying about this and talking with Aaron I asked Dena if she would come and meet me there.  She said yes!!  What an AMAZING experience we are going to have!!  I can't wait to spend part of that time with my dear friend!  Dena...I thank God for you and your friendship!  I hope you realize how much you mean to me!! 

Loving you.....

April 

Full of Gratitude

A huge, big, gigantic thank you to our family for purchasing this Chicco Trevi Stroller/Car Seat combo for us!  We absolutely love it...and CAN NOT wait to use it for real!  It folds up so easy and the car seat clips into the stroller like a breeze.  We feel so blessed...and now we can cross yet another thing off the "getting ready for baby" list!  AND...as you can see from the bottom photo we also got a backseat for the BRONCO!!  HOORAAAYY!!!  Now, the baby can ride in that as well!  I came home from work one Saturday and Aaron had the Cabbage Patch Doll all snugly buckled up in the carseat...he's practicing!  And then the next Saturday she was hanging out in the Bronco trying out the new backseat!  I love that my husband is getting excited.  Now...we just need the baby!!!

What a fun day!

Today my Mom, my sister Amber and I went to visit my friend Jess and her kiddos: Jake, Savannah and new twins Honor and Justice.  We brought yummy Mac&Cheese for dinner along with a green salad and of course BREAD!  I also made Jess' favorites:  Snickerdoodles!!  It was so fun to hang out with them and lend Jess some hands!  These boys are so good and Jake and Savannah take their new job as Big Brother and Sister very seriously!  Jake even changed a few poopy diapers while we were there.  So....here is our day in picture review:

Honor chillin' on the couch...I love his mouth in that "O"!

Justice hangin' out in the bouncy seat!

Amber with both the boys

Mom, Jake & Savannah played a game of scrabble....not sure where Savannah is!

Big Bro Jake & little Bro Honor

Savannah had to show me this rope swing...lots of fun for them!!

Mom and Sis making the salad for dinner

Adoption Update --

Today the day we have been waiting for came!!!  We were officially "approved".  Our agency has received all of the necessary reports and information.  Our adoptive study has been completed and final approval has been given of our family for adoption through Christian Homes!!!  Praise you Jesus!!  We serve a MIGHTY God!!  Some things to pray for: The birthmother...wherever she may be just pray that God blesses her.  What an incredible sacrifice she is making!  I can not wait to meet her and thank her, hopefully, in person.  Pray that God puts it on her heart to choose us.  Pray for our baby, that it is most importantly, HEALTHY!  We know that is the baby that God has chose for us.  He knew even before we began this journey who our baby would be.  Only He knows if it's a boy or girl....wow, I wish I knew!  And only He knows what he/she will look like.  Pray for the sweet people at Christian Homes they have been such an easy group to work with.  Specifically, Margaret & Cindy...they have been instrumental in this adoption and so helpful to us.  We are a little concerned with lodging while we are in Texas.....pray our God provides for us in that aspect.  If we have to stay for anymore than a week a hotel is going to get VERY spendy...well...even a week will be spendy.  We have had offers from three families to stay with them.  But...Texas is a BIG state and who knows where we will be.  Pray that our baby is born near one of those homes....that would be a miracle!  We know God works in miracles...so, let's see one!!  Lastly, pray for us!  This is a HUGE, gigantic leap of faith for us.  We have received funds for a portion of our fees, but...not all.  We know our God knows our needs.  We're getting anxious, excited and just so happy!  We can't wait to meet the newest member of our family!!!   

More Adoption Update --

So...because Aaron and I were feeling a little "left out of the loop".  We had sent all of our paperwork into the agency, but...hadn't heard much except for the fact that they had received all our information..I sent an e-mail to Margaret.  I asked what our next step was and how long will we need to be in Texas???  This is how she responded.  Please pray for favor with the Texas Government...we are jumping through the last hoops....  

The first thing, we are still in the process of obtaining your final
clearances through Texas. Because of the Adam Walsh Federal Act that went into effect this year, those who adopt across state lines, in addition to
the FBI prints you had done, must be cleared through the State of Texas. Red tape is always fun, and we are waiting to hear from Texas on your
clearances. Cindy, Administrative Assistant, has been putting in calls for your clearances and several other families. We have yet to hear, but we are pushing things as best we can. The State, during all of this, changed horses
in mid-stream and thus, we got caught doing things one way and they decided
to do them another. That is what we are working on. 

As for the time you will be in Texas, that is anyone's guess. It depends on how fast Texas an Washington process the interstate compact packets and so
forth. I usually tell families it could be anywhere from two weeks to ? Usually it isn't longer than 3 weeks, but I never make a promise when dealing with large governing bodies. We do our best to get you out of here as fast we can so you can get home-not because we are tired of you:)

Adoption Update --

Well..I received an e-mail from Margaret at the agency today.  The copies of our photo album and birthmother letters arrived.  Margaret has been on vacation.  So...now we wait and pray and pray some more.  I can't believe we have come to this point.......I told Aaron tonight this is such a lesson in faith and trusting God.....will the baby be a boy or girl?  When will it be born?  What will we bring?  When will we leave?  WOW!!  And the list of unknowns goes on and on and on....being a planner I have had to surrender all of this to our Heavenly Father.  I'm trusting HE knows what is best for us!!  We welcome all of your prayers and thoughts.

xoxoxooxoxxo

Sweet Baby Bliss....

Does this even need words?  So sweet are these two gifts from our Amazing Heavenly Father....Honor is in the red chair, Justice all cuddly in the baby blue.

Blessings accepted here!

You may have noticed our "donate" button on the right side of our blog.  The cost of our adoption is stretching us in more ways than one, but...financially is the biggest way yet.  As Aaron said we just don't feel right about asking for money.  But...God knows what our need is and if you feel led we would so appreciate your blessing and your prayers.......We have stepped out in faith because we know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has called us to do.  Thank you in advance.......xoxoxoxoxo 

Special Delivery

Join me in congratulating my friend Jess (she did all the work), her husband and their kids Jake & Savannah!  Jess gave birth to twin boys today!  She ROCKS!  And I don't say this lightly!  She delivered the boys naturally...that means without an epidural!  Here are the stats:

Honor Lloyd 6lbs 6oz and Justice Elliott 6lbs 12oz....both are about 20" long. 

Aaron and I went to see them tonight...they are so cute and cuddly!  Honor has lots more hair and it's kinda red.  Justice's is kinda blond!  Actually, we think Justice looks like Savannah and Honor looks like Jake! We are so thankful God provided these two sweet boys to their family....and we can't wait to see them grow up to be amazing Men of God...just like their Daddy!!  

Adoption Update --

Wow...I can't believe and I can finally say this.....we're done!!!  Well...almost, our photo album will be finished at the printing place on Monday and then we can send that off with our birthmother letter.  We are getting anxious and excited all in one.  With this of course, I'm feeling a lot of different emotions.  WOW!  I can't believe soon I'll be becoming a Mother.  This is something I've been waiting and praying for FOREVER!!!  I've decided our God felt like we needed to learn lots of patience!  In every aspect of our lives.  We have been learning faith so much through all of this.  Faith that God will provide for our family, that while I'm on Maternity leave, we'll be able to make ends meet.  Unfortunately, I learned last week that I am not eligible for short-term disability.  WHY?  Well, because I will not be "birthing" this baby and staying in the hospital, therefore I will not technically be disabled.  HMMMM.....just ponder that one.  I have been.  I was initially not very happy about this.  And niether was Aaron.  But...we've decided we're going to rise above this.  And most importantly TRUST.  Just this past week I was told that some employees had heard about my situation....the dear people I work with will be donating some of their paid time off to me!!  I am humbled and so grateful!  I would like to thank each and everyone of them and give them a hug and lots of cuddles with our baby!  Through this journey Aaron and I have learned so much.  That God has called us to adoption yes, that He knows what's very best for us, that patience is so important & that friends and family are so important to us.  We have felt your prayers and kind words.  We have been so blessed by them.  And by your generosity....money towards our adoption, the gifts of a crib & changing table (even when you now have twins on the way!!), a cradle swing, clothes, a baby bjorn, a papasan chair/bouncy seat, toys galore, a high chair....and so much, much more!!  If you were not told we apologize...we love you all and so appreciate each and everyone of you!! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  Please continue to pray for us.  Aaron and I have started saying...."this will be the last time" and fill in the blank...we go camping by ourselves, have a 4th of July without our baby, celebrate Mother's and Father's day without our baby....and the list goes on and on......we're speaking in faith.  Crazy you might say??  NOPE.....our God has promised this to us and it will happen!!! Ok...before I start crying I should stop.  This has been a journey of such emotion and for that I'm so grateful, sometimes that hurts, but....it can also be so cleansing.   

Adoption Update --

Thank you Jesus!!! JoAnn came to our house today for our home visit....our home study is officially over.  Now the hard work comes for JoAnn.  She has to write up the home study.  And...I have to finish our album to send off the agency along with a "Dear Birthmother" letter.  Just what do you say to the birthmother of your future child?  How could you ever put into words how we will feel when we see our child.  Ok, this is seriously making me cry.  SHOOT!!!  We are definitely praying about that.  We are getting super excited and little nervous, sometimes scared.  WOW!  This is really happening.  When I asked Margaret at the agency about the timeline this is how she responded:  You are moving along quite well! I am glad. We have a number of babies due who are bi-racial or full African American. You must remember when I say this that birth mothers come and go out of our program, so there is never a guarantee, but be prepared as soon as I receive your study, profile and album. I will need the latter for the birth mother to see when she is selecting.   So we are going to try and be prepared whatever that might be.  Keep praying for us..........

Adoption Update --

We had our first meeting with our social worker on June 26 to begin our home study!!!  HOORAAYYY!!!  I think it went really well Joann makes us feel so comfortable and she is so informative.  We just love her!  Aaron and I each have our individual interviews on Monday July 7 and then Joann will follow up with our home visit later that week.  Then our home study will be completed and she'll have to write it up and send it off to our agency.  My word!!  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter!!  Please continue to pray for us during this journey...we so appreciate it!!! 

Adoption Update --

Can you believe it?  We hardly can...we finally have all of our paperwork sent off.  I e-mailed our autobiographies to Margaret at the agency tonight.  This is a big day for us!  Our social worker has all the paperwork she needs and will be contacting us in about 10 days to set up a time to start our interviews.  Praise you Jesus!  Aaron and I are taking an Infant First Aid/CPR class on Saturday and we have sent away for the books to earn more education hours.  I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Thank you Lord...you have been so good to us.  Please continue to pray for us as we move along in our journey.  I'm a little nervous about the interview process.  It's just all the unknowns.  OK...that's it for tonight.  More soon on the HIS Kids/Our Homes Float in the Farmer's Day Parade!!  Included will be some cutie-patootie kids from Ghana & Ethiopia...and of course from Lynden too!!!