March 3

Because it's late and sleep is evading me.  Or, more like I'm avoiding it.  And....my due date is looming right ahead of me.  The house is quiet, less Hal's coughing down the hall and Elliott's soundtrack playing on iTunes.  And my sobbing.  I'm trying to do it quietly so I don't wake up my sweet, tired husband.  I miss our sweet Elliott terribly.  More than anyone will ever know.  My heart hurts.  My emotions are swirling around inside my head.  I once thought I may forget him.  Never.  Not a chance.  Ever.  I just looked at his pictures and silently sobbed for what we don't have. A little boy who looks like his Daddy.  Chubby arms and legs playing with cars and trucks.  Sweet jammies with guitars on them. The chance of red hair and brown eyes.  Hugs around my neck and slobbery kisses on my cheek.  Dirt.  Lots of dirt.  A little brother for our Halle girl.  Oh, sweet boy....you are missing out on all of this.  I'm so sorry.  I know heaven is a indescribable place filled with kindness, love, Your Grampie and most importantly, our Jesus.  But, you're there and we're here.  It's just not fair.  I didn't get to feel you snuggle up close to me while I whispered in your ear, "I love you buddy"....or sweetly kiss your sweet head while Mama fed you at night.

This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess.  If you're not careful it can consume you.  This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY.  But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so.  So, I'm going with it.  I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY.  But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me.  I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital.  We are still so thankful for all of them.  And all my Doctor's.  Our Jesus knew what I needed.  Every single step of the way.  Our amazing church family.  Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching.  That meant the world to me.  I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now.  And I would say that's ok.  My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart.  So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life.  Those are the things that bring me great JOY.

Wordless Wednesday -- New Hat!

My girl and her NEW hat.  She loves it.

Gratitude

This my friends may be hard for some of you to read.  I hope you plug on through and try, just try to understand my heart and where I am coming from.  I have been pregnant four times.  Yes four.  I have not once brought that baby home from the hospital with me.  I do not have five kids to care for at home.  Instead, I have four babies in heaven with their Grampie, a grave for my son and the label of "infertile".  I am not looking for sympathy or trying to make any of you feel guilty.  I am simply sharing my heart.  Infertility and pregnancy loss is not an easy thing to talk about for most.  For me, it's simple.  It's my life.  It's my testimony.  It's why I am the way I am.  Am I sad that my body is not able to carry my children.  Yes.  Do I cry?  Yes.  Is it hard for me to understand?  Yes. 

To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle.  Not just for me.  For any woman.  Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works?  What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle?  Just a sidenote: if you don't...you should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility".  It lays it all out for you.  A miracle.  That's right.  Let's go back to that.  Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this.  But, I'm telling each and every one of you...it shouldn't.  Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle.  I know being pregnant is not fun for some.  And I think most women would agree that it's work.  Hard work.  In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that!  No. On second thought you better not.  You have indigestion and gas.  Your guts are moving up to provide room.  Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly.  Seriously.  This is amazing.  The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it.  You cry.  As you get further along, your back begins hurting.  You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back.  This makes you more crabby.  You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief.  But, it's part of carrying your miracle.  Did I have back pain? YES.  Was I uncomfortable?  YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch.  And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks.  I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.

I can tell you how grateful I am.  That our Jesus gave us Elliott.  That I carried him for 19 weeks.  Moving and kicking in my belly.  I feel so privileged.  So thankful.  So full of gratitude.  Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain.  Because of this I feel sad.  Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant.  Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle.  It hurts my heart so.  I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy.  To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me.  To realize the gift growing inside them.  If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings.  They have spent time with me.  They know my heart.  They have aches and pains like I did.  Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful?  Count down the days until you deliver with happiness?  And get to hold your son or daughter?  That you get to have your baby inside of you still?  Growing and moving?  Kicking you to remind you he/she is there?  I sure think so.

Happy Valentine's Day....

From the cutest little brown girl EVER!

Anxiety, Fear and the Devil

Since the first of the year, Aaron and I have made changes in our quiet time...we actually have it now.  Before, it seemed we just couldn't find the time.  I work 32 hours a week in three days. That means I'm at work by 6am and usually I don't get home until about 6pm.  When I get home...Halle needs dinner right away and Mommy and Daddy need to eat too.  Bed time comes shortly after and if I am working the next day I need to get all Halle's stuff ready for the next day and mine too.  I'm busy.  So is Aaron.  But, we were using our busyness as an excuse.  We are making the time to read our bibles and study the word.  It's becoming a habit for us and I'm so thankful.  I won't tell you it's been easy, because sadly it hasn't.  I have been in such a spiritual battle.  This past week I experienced more anxiety and fear than I have in probably 7 years.  It was paralyzing me.  Have any of you experienced this??  My word.  It stinks.  After a few days of battling this on my own I approached Aaron and shared with him what I was going through.  I am so thankful that my Husband is a Man of God, full of prayer.  I know when I ask him to pray for me, he does.  I can feel it.  My entire thought process has changed since Elliott.  Being more bold in my faith is causing the mean ol' devil to take notice of things I'm doing.  How I'm speaking out, sharing my faith...even the words I type on this blog.

Not long after Aaron and I were first married I went through a really rough time.  I had so much fear and anxiety...and depression.  My Dad was fighting for his life, battling his way through cancer and I had a lot of health issues I was dealing with.  It was hard enough for me to get out of bed, let alone go to work.  I prayed a lot.  This scripture became my lifeline:  Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus....Philippians 4:6-7, NIV  And this was a very close second:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind....2 Timothy 1:7, NKJ  I have grown up in the church.  In a spirit filled, hand raising, speaking in tongues church.  One where people have "fallen in the spirit" after being prayed for.  One where words of prophesy were prevalent.  I think you're getting the picture.  I know what a spiritual battle is.  I knew then and now that I was going through one.  How do you come against this? Pray without ceasing.  Bury yourself deeper in the word.  Sing praises to our Jesus, pray in the spirit.  Do not believe what the devil is telling you. He is a liar, pure and simple.  He came to steal and destroy....Our Jesus came to bring us life....more abundantly.  And, that mean ol' devil will not destroy me.  Folks we are in a spiritual battle.  It's time to put on the full armor of God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Epeshians 6:10-18