Wednesday, February 15, 2012


This my friends may be hard for some of you to read.  I hope you plug on through and try, just try to understand my heart and where I am coming from.  I have been pregnant four times.  Yes four.  I have not once brought that baby home from the hospital with me.  I do not have five kids to care for at home.  Instead, I have four babies in heaven with their Grampie, a grave for my son and the label of "infertile".  I am not looking for sympathy or trying to make any of you feel guilty.  I am simply sharing my heart.  Infertility and pregnancy loss is not an easy thing to talk about for most.  For me, it's simple.  It's my life.  It's my testimony.  It's why I am the way I am.  Am I sad that my body is not able to carry my children.  Yes.  Do I cry?  Yes.  Is it hard for me to understand?  Yes. 

To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle.  Not just for me.  For any woman.  Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works?  What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle?  Just a sidenote: if you don' should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility".  It lays it all out for you.  A miracle.  That's right.  Let's go back to that.  Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this.  But, I'm telling each and every one of shouldn't.  Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle.  I know being pregnant is not fun for some.  And I think most women would agree that it's work.  Hard work.  In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that!  No. On second thought you better not.  You have indigestion and gas.  Your guts are moving up to provide room.  Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly.  Seriously.  This is amazing.  The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it.  You cry.  As you get further along, your back begins hurting.  You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back.  This makes you more crabby.  You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief.  But, it's part of carrying your miracle.  Did I have back pain? YES.  Was I uncomfortable?  YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch.  And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks.  I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.

I can tell you how grateful I am.  That our Jesus gave us Elliott.  That I carried him for 19 weeks.  Moving and kicking in my belly.  I feel so privileged.  So thankful.  So full of gratitude.  Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain.  Because of this I feel sad.  Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant.  Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle.  It hurts my heart so.  I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy.  To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me.  To realize the gift growing inside them.  If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings.  They have spent time with me.  They know my heart.  They have aches and pains like I did.  Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful?  Count down the days until you deliver with happiness?  And get to hold your son or daughter?  That you get to have your baby inside of you still?  Growing and moving?  Kicking you to remind you he/she is there?  I sure think so.


Mama D.'s Dozen said...


While I have been blessed beyond belief with the MIRACLE of 10 healthy babies (after being told by 2 docs that I had a 2% chance to ever get pregnant), I too know the pain of saying "good-bye" to 2 precious ones before we got a chance to say "hello".

While I know the pain was nearly unbearable, I am grateful that you got to feel the kicks and see the face of your precious son. The photos are a TREASURE.

I, too, am saddened by the complaining of pregnant women ... the groaning when a pregnancy is unexpected ... the mumbling women who seem to dislike their God-given role of "Mommy".

Keep looking to Him. Keep looking at all that you have to be grateful for. And, keep crying the tears of grief when this whole situation makes you sad. (Thanks for always being so transparent on your blog.)

Hope your week is BLESSED.


herent said...

I totally understand, even though I haven't had a loss, just the infertility part. I too can't stand it when pregnant women complain, when in my mind I'm thinking well at least you can get pregnant when you choose. Right now I even have a hard time looking at pregnant women regardless of weather they are complaining or not, seeing little babies is hard too. I pray for you often.
God Bless,
Heather TenKley

Shawn said...

Hmmm, you made me cry. :) Now we are even. You are a great writer, and I look forward to getting to know you. Your daughter is precious! I am sorry for your losses. Blessings to you today!

Anonymous said...

A "miracle" is not something thats happens millions of times a year like getting pregnant and having a child. It's nature, happens every day and has for millions of years.