Gratitude

This my friends may be hard for some of you to read.  I hope you plug on through and try, just try to understand my heart and where I am coming from.  I have been pregnant four times.  Yes four.  I have not once brought that baby home from the hospital with me.  I do not have five kids to care for at home.  Instead, I have four babies in heaven with their Grampie, a grave for my son and the label of "infertile".  I am not looking for sympathy or trying to make any of you feel guilty.  I am simply sharing my heart.  Infertility and pregnancy loss is not an easy thing to talk about for most.  For me, it's simple.  It's my life.  It's my testimony.  It's why I am the way I am.  Am I sad that my body is not able to carry my children.  Yes.  Do I cry?  Yes.  Is it hard for me to understand?  Yes. 

To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle.  Not just for me.  For any woman.  Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works?  What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle?  Just a sidenote: if you don't...you should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility".  It lays it all out for you.  A miracle.  That's right.  Let's go back to that.  Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this.  But, I'm telling each and every one of you...it shouldn't.  Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle.  I know being pregnant is not fun for some.  And I think most women would agree that it's work.  Hard work.  In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that!  No. On second thought you better not.  You have indigestion and gas.  Your guts are moving up to provide room.  Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly.  Seriously.  This is amazing.  The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it.  You cry.  As you get further along, your back begins hurting.  You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back.  This makes you more crabby.  You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief.  But, it's part of carrying your miracle.  Did I have back pain? YES.  Was I uncomfortable?  YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch.  And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks.  I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.

I can tell you how grateful I am.  That our Jesus gave us Elliott.  That I carried him for 19 weeks.  Moving and kicking in my belly.  I feel so privileged.  So thankful.  So full of gratitude.  Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain.  Because of this I feel sad.  Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant.  Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle.  It hurts my heart so.  I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy.  To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me.  To realize the gift growing inside them.  If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings.  They have spent time with me.  They know my heart.  They have aches and pains like I did.  Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful?  Count down the days until you deliver with happiness?  And get to hold your son or daughter?  That you get to have your baby inside of you still?  Growing and moving?  Kicking you to remind you he/she is there?  I sure think so.