March 3

Because it's late and sleep is evading me.  Or, more like I'm avoiding it.  And....my due date is looming right ahead of me.  The house is quiet, less Hal's coughing down the hall and Elliott's soundtrack playing on iTunes.  And my sobbing.  I'm trying to do it quietly so I don't wake up my sweet, tired husband.  I miss our sweet Elliott terribly.  More than anyone will ever know.  My heart hurts.  My emotions are swirling around inside my head.  I once thought I may forget him.  Never.  Not a chance.  Ever.  I just looked at his pictures and silently sobbed for what we don't have. A little boy who looks like his Daddy.  Chubby arms and legs playing with cars and trucks.  Sweet jammies with guitars on them. The chance of red hair and brown eyes.  Hugs around my neck and slobbery kisses on my cheek.  Dirt.  Lots of dirt.  A little brother for our Halle girl.  Oh, sweet boy....you are missing out on all of this.  I'm so sorry.  I know heaven is a indescribable place filled with kindness, love, Your Grampie and most importantly, our Jesus.  But, you're there and we're here.  It's just not fair.  I didn't get to feel you snuggle up close to me while I whispered in your ear, "I love you buddy"....or sweetly kiss your sweet head while Mama fed you at night.

This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess.  If you're not careful it can consume you.  This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY.  But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so.  So, I'm going with it.  I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY.  But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me.  I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital.  We are still so thankful for all of them.  And all my Doctor's.  Our Jesus knew what I needed.  Every single step of the way.  Our amazing church family.  Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching.  That meant the world to me.  I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now.  And I would say that's ok.  My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart.  So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life.  Those are the things that bring me great JOY.