Friday, March 30, 2012

A Hard Month

Wow.  This month has been one for the record books.  One I care not to visit again.  Ever.  I knew it was going to be hard with my due date being in March, but...I kinda wasn't expecting it to be this hard.  The anxiety, fear & depression came crashing upon me on my due date and it didn't let up until this past week.  I prayed, quoted scripture and clung to my Jesus.  And if that wasn't enough Halle and I both had the stomach flu.  The first time for our sweet girl.  And, let's just say this Mommy doesn't do very well with the throw up.  Yuck.  At least we didn't have it at the very same time.  Thank you Jesus.  I learned of two other Mommies that lost sweet babies to Jesus this month.  Way too soon.....I don't know either of them, heart aches with them and longs for Heaven where we can see our sweet babies again....whole and well.  I can't wait.  Sometimes heaven seems so far away.

Do any of you watch "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC??  I absolutely love this show.  I love the Duggar's.  Having 19 children is definitely not for us, but...this family does it well.  And...I don't necessarily agree with having more children when you are 45.  But, it is definitely not my place to judge them...they are sticking to their faith and convictions and we all need more of that in this fallen world.  I was concerned when Michelle announced she was pregnant again, especially in light of her pregnancy and early birth of Josie.  I was pregnant with Elliott at the time and for some reason this made me even more concerned for her.  When they found out that sweet Jubilee Shalom had went to be with Jesus, I could certainly identify with her as we had been in the same place just two months before.  My heart ached for her, Jim Bob and the entire Duggar Family.  What a great loss.  As Jubilee's story unfolded via media I was so glad they had celebrated her life.  And...I so looked forward to watching this story on their show.  When it aired this week I sat on the couch prepared with a box of kleenex.  I knew I would need it.  I could hardly make it through the previews without sobbing.  So many emotions swirled through my head.  So many similarities between our situations.  Even the words Michelle spoke as she was laying on the exam table after her ultrasound.  I spoke the very same words after the ER Doctor told Aaron and I that I was having a miscarriage.  "The Lord gives and takes away....Blessed be the name of the Lord".  Michelle also spoke of her thankfulness.....that she got to see Jubilee and her sweet features.  That she looked just like a little Duggar.  I so loved that.  Especially since I could see features of both Aaron and I in our sweet Elliott, truth be told....I think he would have probably looked more like his Daddy.  He certainly had his lips....and still every.single.time. I look at Aaron's face and see his side view I get so happy knowing he has a son that looks like him.  To me I love that reminder.  I wish the Duggar's did not experience this same loss....and I wish we didn't either, but...I know our Jesus has a much bigger plan for our family and theirs.  And I also know that He does not promise us a world without trials and tribulations.  I know that He will carry you and me and every single one of us through these trials and tribulations if we only seek Him with all our hearts.  Cling to Him my friends.

Will you continue to pray for our family, please?  A friend of ours posted on FB a week or so ago that families that have lost a baby are in a very lonely place.  It's true.  This week Aaron and I are preparing to share our testimony, well it's really Elliott's testimony via video for our church family.  We know that this is what Jesus wants us to do, but...I expect it will not be an easy task.  Please pray He will give us the words to say that will touch others and help them understand that Jesus truly can carry you.  And while your at it.  Bind the devil.  We are doing Jesus' work and I know he won't like it one bit.  But, too bad.  Take that nasty, old devil.  The score:  One for Jesus....BIG FAT ZERO for you devil.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for your words, April. I have prayed for you and your family off and on for months now. I am sorry that March has been so hard, but love the light of Christ you are reflecting even in the pain. I will especially pray over your video as I can very much relate to the amped up spiritual battle when we step out to shine the light of Christ. Love to you!

The Mulder Family said...

Praying for your family continually...I know after awhile you don't want to hear it anymore but God ALWAYS has a plan bigger & greater than ours, your family will be blessed just in his time!! Glad your feeling better too :)

Heather TenKley said...

I too watched the latest Duggar episode and sat there and bawled. I definately thought about you and Aaron and Elliot while I watched. What a powerful piece of scripture "The Lord gives and takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord." Reminding us to be thankful in all situations good and bad, ugh thats a hard one for me :( I will be praying for you as you give your testimony, I really feel it will actually be very cleansing for you, the Lord seemed to put that on my heart to tell you. Just imagine how many peoples lives you will affect in a positive way, the Lord is going to use you and Elliot through this video for his glory. Praise God he is good! I don't believe there is a week that goes by for me that I'm not telling someone about our testimony with Rylee, I know I have impacted many people for Gods Glory. I would never have believed it back when Rylee was diagnosed that the Lord was gonna make something positive out of it. I'll continue to pray for you.
Heather TenKley

Mama D’s Dozen said...

March was a difficult month for me, as it was the month that we lost our child last year. While our pregnancy was quite unexpected, we were over flowing with JOY for the life of this new child... and heartbroken when we lost our child.

I must ask ... why do you "not agree with having children at 45"??? That really surprised me. Our youngest, Elijah was born the day before I turned 40. He has the most AMAZING testimony already (as God saved his life at age 3). Should I have stopped having children at age 35? I wouldn't have Hosanna or Josiah, either. At what age do you believe we need to tell God, "Sorry. No more kids. I'm too old."?

Not upset with you in the least. Just surprised ... and wondering what is behind your thoughts. (I am fully aware that many people probably didn't think I should have gotten pregnant last year, at age 49. But, really, it was the Lord's decision.)