Monday, October 24, 2011

A jumbled mess....

That's me today.  a.big.jumbled.mess.  I'm happy one minute when my sweet Halle girl climbs in my lap while I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and quietly says "I love you Mom"....I'm sad, so sad while I sit here smelling the beautiful flowers that were given to us upon Elliott's passing.  I can't quite keep it together.  I'm crabby when I remember someone telling me "Next time you just need a cerclage!" Seriously??  That would not fix that fact that I have had three previous miscarriages prior to 8 weeks.   I'm afraid I'm going to forget Elliott, I'm afraid we'll never again have enough money to adopt another child because frankly, I can not have this happen to me again.  There is only so much one can take both physically and emotionally.  I feel as though my body is broken because I have been unable to carry a baby to full term and my heart right now has a big tear in it....I did not ask to be a member of this club.  Who would want to??  No one.  I know my Jesus did not make this happen.  Because I know this He and I have been talking lately about this very thing.  Why would he allow me to get pregnant if this was to happen??  I'm really having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. I'm remembering how it felt to have Elliott moving in me and how happy I was to wear maternity clothes and talk to my friends about actually being pregnant for longer than 6 weeks.  I know this is so much to process in such a short time.  It's only been a little over a week.  But, again I'm that girl.  The one who likes to have a plan....likes to have the whole story.  Where do we go from here??  I'm looking to my Jesus to provide me with answers that I need.  I know, I know...I may never have a definite answer to some of my very hard questions.

We are overwhelmed in a very good way with all the love, support, prayers and encouragement we have been getting from all our friends and family.  Our church and friends have provided endless meals, goodies and even a bottle of wine (Thanks TenKley's!)....we have eaten more sugar over the last week than we did in over 5 months!  The Facebook messages I have received from friends have literally carried me through some rough patches.  I have connected with girls that had the very same thing happen to them.  And for that I am truly grateful.  Just typing this post is starting to make me feel better.  I need to process.  I have been reading Angie Smith's blog again...back to her old posts about her dear, sweet Audrey.  And I ordered her book from Amazon today.  I also ordered "Heaven is for Real" for kids.  I have read the one for adults and I thought this might be helpful for Halle.  She is asking all kinds of questions about heaven and her baby brother being there. She asked us on Friday before Elliott's service so matter of factly, "What is heaven?"  Aaron and I just looked at each other and did our very best to give her a few answers.  I told her we would tell her more when she was a little bit older.  So friends & family, this is how we're doing.  Good some days and bad on other's.  Please continue to pray for us.  We'll take all the prayers we can get!!

5 comments:

Rosanne said...

Hey April - I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because you've been through so much more than me. And I know how hard losing our little ones was. All I can say is, good for you to be honest and let yourself grieve. I read on a miscarriage website once the lady said she would be more concerned for a woman who acts like she is fine than a woman who isn't sure how she'll make it through the next hour. I know you've suffered much more than a miscarriage, but I think it makes sense. Hang in there. {{hugs}}

Rosanne said...

(By "losing our little ones" I mean mine and Geoff's - I can't pretend to know how it was for you to lose Elliot. Just wanted to clarify. :)

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, but glad that you are abled to honestly share on your blog. It is good ... it is healthy ... to say, "I'm having a really tough time!"

I have 2 little ones awaiting me in heaven. I think the one this year was much more difficult than our loss 20 years ago. This time, I have definitely asked, "Why, Lord, did I even get pregnant if my baby was only going to die?" This time (at my age) I doubt if I will ever feel the flutter of a baby in my tummy again.

When we lost our little one this year, we were in the midst of reading, "Heaven Is For Real" as a bedtime story to our 4 youngest. We lost the baby shortly after reading the chapter about the miscarriage. It REALLY helped the children understand. God definitely used the timing of us reading the book together as a family.

Hugs & Prayers!

Laurel

Grace said...

Your honesty and faith are so refreshing! April, it is ok for you to have the feelings you are experiencing.....it is ok to question, have sadness and even some anger. But through all of this remember that GOD is with YOU; and HE will never ever let you or Aaron down. God has a plan for you and all of us who believe in him. Sweet little Elliot is waiting patiently for his Mommy and Daddy and big sister, but so safe in the arms of Jesus! What you are sharing to those of us on your blog and opening your heart is reaching out to so many, some who you know and others who you do not know; is helping others. You are an amazing woman of Faith and please continue to share your thoughts. It is helping you and teaching us!! We are praying for you on this journey!

Dena said...

Praying the tear in your heart is closesly, intimately watched and healed by His hands. Keep talking about Elliott. Talk about how you feel and what you think. It really does help--to hear it outloud. I'm so thankful you have this time at home to process, sit, cry, be upset, be comforted....