One month ago today at 4:50pm I gave birth to our son, Elliott Aamodt. Do I miss him?? Of course I do. Do I remember him, most definitely. Today I'm remembering him so fondly. Wishing I could just hold him again....count his fingers and his little toes. Kiss his little button nose. But, he is in heaven with my Jesus and his Grampie. Yesterday, was kind of a sad day. I knew Aaron was all set to go to "Pipe Club" with his buddies. I also knew, and remembered that the last time he went was the fateful night/early morning that I coughed when getting into bed and felt that gush of blood...this led to our trip to the ER and eventually the delivery of sweet Elliott. So, it was bittersweet for Aaron....spending time with his friends, enjoying their company and remembering what happened that last time. When he got home from work last night I asked how his day had been....he told me he was sad. Sad remembering that it had been one month.
I'm sad that Elliott is no longer here on earth. But, I've decided I'm so glad he was born in the fall. Fall is my most favorite time of the year. I love, love, love the changing leaves, the crisp fall days and the smell of all things spicy and pumpkin. Eggnog latte's arrive and so does Starbuck's "Pumpkin Spice". I will always remember this time of year as Elliott's time. October 13 will be etched in my mind forever. The day I became a Mommy again. Now, when I see the leaves changing color and the days getting shorter and colder. Elliott will definitely be in the forefront of my mind. What a sweet reminder for me. That night seems like just yesterday. When I close my eyes, unfortunately, it all comes back to me. The phone call to my Mom to stay with Halle, the trip in the car to the ER, the Dr. telling me "Looks like you're having a miscarriage"....the cold harsh reality that I was going to give birth to our son that day.....four months too soon. So, there you have it. Here is how we are doing one.month.later. If you asked me today, "How are you?" Because that seems to be the question of the hour...I would say "good". Three weeks ago I would have said, "ok". It's getting better. I cry less....I'm still grieving....I still miss my son....my arms still ache without him in them. But, I'm thankful, still so very thankful I carried him for 19 weeks.....11 weeks longer than I had carried any baby before. I felt him move...all over the place (he was a mover & shaker...and did not like to be still).....I experienced childbirth and I get to see my sweet Elliott Aamodt again!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wordless Wednesday--Meeting Halle for the FIRST time!
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" James 1:27
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Just Because
I'm very thankful for this little brown girl in her penguin jammies loving on her pillow pet!!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Bold and Courageous
Last weekend....I read this book by an extraordinary women named Angie Smith. Wow. This book knocked my socks off. It was exactly what I needed at this time. I have been following Angie's blog since 2008 when they began to tell their story of sweet Audrey Caroline....she too is heaven with our Elliott Aamodt. Before Elliott graduated to Heaven, Aaron and I had suffered three early (8 weeks or before) miscarriages...so, when "I will Carry You" came out I chose not to read it. I didn't think I needed it...at the time our situations were different. The week after I delivered our boy I knew I needed this book. As I sat in the bath tub while Halle slept and my husband "tinkered"in the garage (he loves to do this!) I laughed cried & prayed all because of this book and how Jesus was working through Angie and her writing. I found myself identifying with her in an uncanny way. She had carried Audrey longer than I carried Elliott, but....we both left the hospital empty-handed without our sweet babies who had went on to be with Jesus. This book is so faith filled and stuffed with scripture, but...in a way that I can follow and understand.
In the book Angie talks about how Audrey made her strong and able to do things she would have never done before. I really don't want to give everything away in case you too decide to read this book. And...my friend you should. If you have ever experienced a loss of a child or if you know someone who has please do yourself and your friend a favor...pick this up. I knew exactly what she was talking about. Delivering Elliott has made me stronger, more bold and certainly courageous. I know it was not a coincidence that the Saturday before Elliott arrived Aaron and I went to see the movie "Courageous". Though nothing could prepare us to say good-bye to our son before we got to say hello this movie gave us the added faith boost we needed. Angie writes about having such a peace upon entering the hospital for her scheduled c-section with Audrey. I too felt that. I did not like hospitals and the whole time I was pregnant I was so nervous to give birth. My Dad was 53 when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that had already spread to his bones and his prognosis was not good. He spent A LOT of time in that hospital and that is what I had remembered. It scared me. Make no mistake that Jesus gave me that sense of calm I needed on October 13 to deliver our son. HE carried me. I'm not asking you to understand this I'm only asking you to consider it. How else could I do what I did??
I have never been one to be bold and courageous when speaking of my faith and love of Jesus. I'm very, very sad to admit this. My Parents taught me at a very early age what it means to love Jesus and when I was just seven I asked Him to live in my heart. I grew up in a Christian home attending church on Sunday's and taking part in all church activities. This is what we did. This is what I knew. When my Dad was diagnosed with his cancer he took a very bold approach to witnessing. Not a fanatical, get in your face approach, but...I believe he knew his time on earth was limited. He took his faith and his Jesus VERY seriously. It was not uncommon for him to pray for others when they came to visit him either at home or in the hospital. He sang worship songs while waiting to be seen by a Dr in the ER, he laid hands on and prayed for a Nun while waiting for a CT Scan, and he believed Jesus would heal him. I have never been more proud to call him my Dad. He is and will always be my Hero. I'd like to think he was there with me that day, but...I know it was Jesus. I could not help but remember how my Dad's body was broken and still he pressed on. HE carried my Dad. So today, if you tell me I am "so strong", "amazing"...."courageous"...I will not hesitate to tell you, whoever you may be, why I am this way. Because of my Jesus. I find myself speaking more freely about my faith these days. I'm more thankful. And can I just tell you? Jesus is working in our lives. All of us. Even my sweet little three year old Halle girl.
In the book Angie talks about how Audrey made her strong and able to do things she would have never done before. I really don't want to give everything away in case you too decide to read this book. And...my friend you should. If you have ever experienced a loss of a child or if you know someone who has please do yourself and your friend a favor...pick this up. I knew exactly what she was talking about. Delivering Elliott has made me stronger, more bold and certainly courageous. I know it was not a coincidence that the Saturday before Elliott arrived Aaron and I went to see the movie "Courageous". Though nothing could prepare us to say good-bye to our son before we got to say hello this movie gave us the added faith boost we needed. Angie writes about having such a peace upon entering the hospital for her scheduled c-section with Audrey. I too felt that. I did not like hospitals and the whole time I was pregnant I was so nervous to give birth. My Dad was 53 when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that had already spread to his bones and his prognosis was not good. He spent A LOT of time in that hospital and that is what I had remembered. It scared me. Make no mistake that Jesus gave me that sense of calm I needed on October 13 to deliver our son. HE carried me. I'm not asking you to understand this I'm only asking you to consider it. How else could I do what I did??
I have never been one to be bold and courageous when speaking of my faith and love of Jesus. I'm very, very sad to admit this. My Parents taught me at a very early age what it means to love Jesus and when I was just seven I asked Him to live in my heart. I grew up in a Christian home attending church on Sunday's and taking part in all church activities. This is what we did. This is what I knew. When my Dad was diagnosed with his cancer he took a very bold approach to witnessing. Not a fanatical, get in your face approach, but...I believe he knew his time on earth was limited. He took his faith and his Jesus VERY seriously. It was not uncommon for him to pray for others when they came to visit him either at home or in the hospital. He sang worship songs while waiting to be seen by a Dr in the ER, he laid hands on and prayed for a Nun while waiting for a CT Scan, and he believed Jesus would heal him. I have never been more proud to call him my Dad. He is and will always be my Hero. I'd like to think he was there with me that day, but...I know it was Jesus. I could not help but remember how my Dad's body was broken and still he pressed on. HE carried my Dad. So today, if you tell me I am "so strong", "amazing"...."courageous"...I will not hesitate to tell you, whoever you may be, why I am this way. Because of my Jesus. I find myself speaking more freely about my faith these days. I'm more thankful. And can I just tell you? Jesus is working in our lives. All of us. Even my sweet little three year old Halle girl.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Deep Thoughts
The Sunday after I delivered Elliott, my sweet friend Dena came up to spend some time with me. We went out for dinner and to see a movie with our friend Jessica and just spent time being together talking about the things women do after giving birth. Dena spent the night with us and Monday we had an appointment to meet with the Funeral Home and arrange Elliott's service. Dena graciously agreed to come with us and we were so glad. After the arrangements had been made I asked Dena if she would like to see our sweet boy. I knew Elliott was already there and knew that Auntie Dena would want to see him...she nodded yes and we waited while they got Elliott ready. How did I know?? I knew not everyone would want to do this or see him, but...Auntie Dena had commented earlier on that it just wasn't fair that Grampie (in heaven) got to meet Elliott before she did! We entered the viewing room and took our last peek at our sweet boy. We checked out his fingers and toes and his long legs. Dena asked if she could take a picture to show her Mom. I agreed as I knew that this was exactly what she would do. Fast forward about two weeks later. Dena's daughter Jessica (age seven) is flipping through the pictures on her phone. She stops on the picture of Elliott and says, "Whoa Mom, what is this??"....it's understandable that Elliott looked different. Not like a full term baby would....and days had passed since his graduation to Heaven. Dena took a deep breath and knew she had to tell Jess more about Elliott. She explained what had happened, how I was feeling and answered questions for her. When Dena was done Jess turned to her Mommy and said, "I get it!". Perplexed Dena said, "You do?" Seriously, this seven-year-old little girl got it?? Wow....she turned to Dena and said, "Yes, sometimes you get Isaac, and sometimes...you get the lamb." Let it soak in. Yes, friends....the lamb.
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