Last weekend....I read this book by an extraordinary women named Angie Smith. Wow. This book knocked my socks off. It was exactly what I needed at this time. I have been following Angie's blog since 2008 when they began to tell their story of sweet Audrey Caroline....she too is heaven with our Elliott Aamodt. Before Elliott graduated to Heaven, Aaron and I had suffered three early (8 weeks or before) miscarriages...so, when "I will Carry You" came out I chose not to read it. I didn't think I needed it...at the time our situations were different. The week after I delivered our boy I knew I needed this book. As I sat in the bath tub while Halle slept and my husband "tinkered"in the garage (he loves to do this!) I laughed cried & prayed all because of this book and how Jesus was working through Angie and her writing. I found myself identifying with her in an uncanny way. She had carried Audrey longer than I carried Elliott, but....we both left the hospital empty-handed without our sweet babies who had went on to be with Jesus. This book is so faith filled and stuffed with scripture, but...in a way that I can follow and understand.
In the book Angie talks about how Audrey made her strong and able to do things she would have never done before. I really don't want to give everything away in case you too decide to read this book. And...my friend you should. If you have ever experienced a loss of a child or if you know someone who has please do yourself and your friend a favor...pick this up. I knew exactly what she was talking about. Delivering Elliott has made me stronger, more bold and certainly courageous. I know it was not a coincidence that the Saturday before Elliott arrived Aaron and I went to see the movie "Courageous". Though nothing could prepare us to say good-bye to our son before we got to say hello this movie gave us the added faith boost we needed. Angie writes about having such a peace upon entering the hospital for her scheduled c-section with Audrey. I too felt that. I did not like hospitals and the whole time I was pregnant I was so nervous to give birth. My Dad was 53 when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that had already spread to his bones and his prognosis was not good. He spent A LOT of time in that hospital and that is what I had remembered. It scared me. Make no mistake that Jesus gave me that sense of calm I needed on October 13 to deliver our son. HE carried me. I'm not asking you to understand this I'm only asking you to consider it. How else could I do what I did??
I have never been one to be bold and courageous when speaking of my faith and love of Jesus. I'm very, very sad to admit this. My Parents taught me at a very early age what it means to love Jesus and when I was just seven I asked Him to live in my heart. I grew up in a Christian home attending church on Sunday's and taking part in all church activities. This is what we did. This is what I knew. When my Dad was diagnosed with his cancer he took a very bold approach to witnessing. Not a fanatical, get in your face approach, but...I believe he knew his time on earth was limited. He took his faith and his Jesus VERY seriously. It was not uncommon for him to pray for others when they came to visit him either at home or in the hospital. He sang worship songs while waiting to be seen by a Dr in the ER, he laid hands on and prayed for a Nun while waiting for a CT Scan, and he believed Jesus would heal him. I have never been more proud to call him my Dad. He is and will always be my Hero. I'd like to think he was there with me that day, but...I know it was Jesus. I could not help but remember how my Dad's body was broken and still he pressed on. HE carried my Dad. So today, if you tell me I am "so strong", "amazing"...."courageous"...I will not hesitate to tell you, whoever you may be, why I am this way. Because of my Jesus. I find myself speaking more freely about my faith these days. I'm more thankful. And can I just tell you? Jesus is working in our lives. All of us. Even my sweet little three year old Halle girl.