The Quilt

Yes.  The quilt.  This is Elliott's.  It was given to us by our church at his Memorial Service.  It is so special and one of the only tangible things I have that is his alone.  It sat in a hidden place for about a year or so.....when I took it out I was having a particularly hard day.  One where the tears wouldn't stop and thoughts of my sweet boy were so vivid and clear.  Really, I don't know why I waited so long.  I remember when Pastor Kurt handed that quilt to me at the service.  Explaining that when we had a hard day we should wrap this around us and let His love hold us.  It worked.  I really just wanted to hold something that was his.  In my arms.  Tight.  The blanket smelled a little musty like that hidden closet and I washed it later that day.  AND....now it stays under my pillow.  I know it's there and somehow it makes me feel just a little bit closer to my boy.  The one who's picture hangs on my living room wall and fills my heart with joy.....knowing that when I get to Heaven one day.  He'll be there.  March 3 passed a few weeks ago and you know what?  I made it.  I chose JOY over sorrow knowing that Elliott was with the one who created him and holds everything in His hands.  He is faithful friends.  I know that this journey has not been an easy one, but...I wouldn't change it.  Yes, I would change the outcome, more than anything I wish he was here with us.  But, Jesus is molding me through all of this.

He has brought people into my life when I needed them most.  My friend Trisha and I share the bond of having lost our children too soon. Both in the same month, as Megan and Elliott have birthdays just one day apart.  She and I did not grow up together, attend the same church when young or even go to the same school.  Yes, we do go to the same church now.  But, we have a bond and our friendship is growing...and I love it.  She is one of the people that really, truly understands me and what I have been through.  Our Jesus blesses us when we are together.  And, our girls, both age four love to play together.  Well, most times.  They have very similar personalities and sometimes that doesn't mix well.  But, they too are learning and sharing...and growing.  Together.  And you know what?  That blesses me.

The Pioneer Woman....Oh How I love THEE.

If I could, and believed in this silly sort of stuff....I would be Ree Drummond in my next life. That's right.  The Pioneer Woman for those of you who don't know.  AND....if you don't, you are seriously missing out.  She is seriously the best....from her red hair (yes, I'm very partial) to her swing tops and so cute cowboy boots.  And...she lives on a ranch in Oklahoma in the middle of no where.  We call my In-Law's house "The Ranch" and my Father-in-Law has a handful of horses....will that work??  This girl can cook....let me tell you.  Her recipes are more than loved at our house.  She makes great comfort food.....some fancy stuff too, and every.single.thing. that I have tried has been a hit with my lovely husband.  Her  Meatloaf, wrapped in bacon and covered in a spicy ketchup sauce, her Sloppy Joes (sorry Mom, I like hers better!), Chicken spaghetti, Salisbury Steak & Beef with Snow Peas.  Just typing all of this makes me so hungry.  Do you like stew?  I really normally don't, but....her Stew with Beer & Paprika rocked my socks off.  It renewed my love of stew....and my husband could not be more happy with that.  Check out her website/blog and by all means, buy yourself not just one, but...both of her cookbooks. Watch her show on Saturday mornings on the Food Network. And as I told my friend Jess, "Cook this stew and your husband will want to marry you all over again!"  Yes, friends....it's seriously that good.

March is Coming....Again.....

That's right.  It is.  March is right around the corner.  With that comes spring (hopefully!), new life, hope.  But for me March is not a happy time.  It should have been.  That was when our sweet baby was due.  March 3 will be forever blazed in my memory.  I should have been planning a nursery, filling it with trucks and tractors and lots and lots of guitars.  Placing the rocking chair just so....washing little blue clothes.  Cuddling with my sweet Elliott as he slept in my arms.  Instead....last March was when my life started taking a downward spiral.  I began sinking right around my due date and really didn't surface until this October.  I needed help from my Doctor and my family and certainly from my Jesus.  That being said.  I'd like to think I'm well now.  And, really I am.  But, in the back of my mind....I know that March is coming....and I'll need extra support then.  I've already told Aaron that.  It is important to let others know how to support you when you go through the valleys.  It's important to have friends around you who understand and sometimes, just listen...maybe even cry with you.  Losing a child is something I wish never happened to anyone ever again.  It's horrible.  But, I know that our Jesus carried us through this time.

Last week, my cousin Lisa sent me this video.  It really speaks my heart.  Unfortunately, her cousin Duane and his wife, Abbie are featured in this video.  They now have two sweet little girls Paige & Quinn who was just born this December.  You may want your kleenex handy. Don't say I didn't warn you.  If you have walked through this or know someone close to you that has.....just know Jesus knows.  He cares for you. He is holding your sweet little person close.

God's Best

Last week I found this picture on our computer.  I SO love it.  I know it's not the best quality, it's a bit blurry and pixelated.....and is over 9 years old.  But it shows so much.  Aaron's Auntie Joy snapped this picture as we were leaving the church on our wedding night.  Heading home to our little duplex together for the first time as husband and wife.  I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life. Aaron is God's Best for me. Do you see the unspeakable joy on our faces?  The anticipation?  WOW.  We were 28 and 29....ready to take on the world as a married couple.  Ready to serve our Jesus together as husband and wife.  Ready to start a family......and love each other forever. All of those things are still true.  Why?  Because I married God's Best.  I never would have guessed we would have been through all we have now.  Infertility, three miscarriages, the loss of my Dad and our son Elliott, anxiety and fear.....the adoption of our sweet Halle Grace.  Now we are stronger than ever.  Marriage is super hard work.  Without hesitation, I would be the first to tell you that. With Jesus our marriage has survived while others around us have fallen and crumbled.  That hurts my heart.  It makes me so sad to see how many marriages around me have led to divorce.  I'm so sad and frustrated by the choices some people make.  I have watched my Sister and some very close friends go through divorce.  It stinks and  it's really hard for me to put myself in their shoes.  I think I would have never made those choices in the first place.  But, is that the truth?

When I was in my twenties I dated a man I thought I would marry.  He and his family were my life.  Let me be clear in writing this.  I know they may read this and I have no hurt feelings towards Luke and his family at all.  After dating for 1 1/2 years our relationship ended.  It really was for the best, but I didn't think that at the time.  That relationship made me grow into the woman I am today.  I had to rely on Jesus and my identity in Christ not in my boyfriend and his family.  It was then I learned who I really was.  Believe it or not, this is how I  became the independent redhead I am today.  You can thank for me that later, Aaron.  Choosing to serve on the Youth Staff at my then church caused me to grow spiritually under the guidance of our Youth Pastor Jon & his wife Stacey.  Through this experience I gained lifelong friends who still guide me today.  During this time I also moved back home after living with a roommate for four years.  I lost my job....and my new one didn't pay as much as I was accustomed to.  Because of this, I took on a second job on Saturday's to supplement my income, working with my friend Candace.  She was the one who set Aaron and I up on our first date.  And...I am forever grateful. In our house we don't use the term "God's Best" loosely.  I only know that Jesus is the one who brought my husband to me and having Him in your marriage is the only way to keep the marriage healthy and whole.  Praying together, honoring each other and continually striving to make it work as God intended marriage to be.

ALL things Musical

It was evident very early on that our girl LOVES all things musical.  That has only grown as she's gotten older.  She is passionate about music.  And when I say that what I really mean is she is utterly, crazy, wild about it.  Any kind. Any beat.  She does not stop singing ever. Her Daddy also loves music and grew up in a very musical family.  He plays and even builds guitars, sings and so does Halle's Nana. Aaron has done an incredible job teaching our girl about instruments and what they sound like.  Our music library is very eclectic.  If you sort through iTunes on our computer you'll find everything from Elvis to BB King and then Jason Aldean, Keith Urban & Sugarland. Lots of worship music and plenty of classic rock too.  Music speaks to us sometimes when others can't.  From early in our relationship Aaron has made me soundtracks from our life.  I have at least four "April Mix" CD's and the first one titled "Songs that Make me Think of April" for when we were dating.  We have a CD from my Dad's funeral and one for sweet Elliott. And....recently I found the soundtrack to our wedding titled "A Winter Wonderland".  That is when Halle discovered her love of Elvis.  It's pretty funny to hear your four year old from the back seat asking to listen to Elvis.  And it makes me smile.  BIG.  She is so her Daddy's daughter.  She's usually right when you ask her what instrument is playing.  And I recently asked her "Does your body just start moving when you hear music?" She nodded her head a resounding yes.  Sometimes I feel like asking her not to dance is like asking you or I not to breathe.  "Twirly" skirts and dresses are a huge favorite in our house right now.  They allow for a lot of spinning.  Especially while watching "Annie".  Her new favorite dancing movie.  I can't tell you how many times we had to fast-backward (for all you that don't know that means rewind, in Halle terms) the scene where Annie brings Sandy home to the orphanage and they all dance.  Halle longs to do "flip-overs" and practice all the moves.  And the scene where she goes to stay with Daddy Warbucks and they go to the movies....my goodness.  I have seen that so many times I can probably recite it verbatim.  I'm sure our Jesus has BIG plans for this little girl and her huge love of music.  I can't wait to see what they are.  Until then, we'll keep dancing and twirling....pouring into her.