Broken

We're broken.  Sad. Angry. Confused.  And so many more other feelings.  It was on February 3 that I received an e-mail from our Adoption Agency asking if we would allow our profile to be shown to a prospective match.  I nearly drove off the road when I saw it. For the record, I was driving, but only glanced at it and read the rest later when I arrived at my destination.  Aaron and I talked it over and agreed we were more than ok with the stipulations that Birth Mother has requested.  We knew that if our Jesus was in this He would allow ALL of it to come to fruition.  I e-mailed back the agency and we began praying.  That if it was His will the Birth Mother would choose us.  If not, that the perfect family would be chosen for this baby who was already growing in our hearts.  A week later I came home to another e-mail asking that we call the Agency ASAP.  There was a huge snowstorm going on in Texas and they needed our phone number….I responded with our phone number and moments later, my phone rang.  We confirmed a phone meeting the next day to have the Birth Mother "presented" to us.  This is where they read history to you about said Birth Mother. We, of course, were more than excited. The next day Aaron and I meant at his work and listened intently as they presented this precious Birth Mother to us.  Her story, so unlike Halle's.  We fell in love with her and the baby girl that was yet to be born.  Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But, our Jesus' has his fingerprints all over this.  The baby was due on March 6.  Yes, Elliott's original due date.  I had been praying that somehow that would come into the adoption picture.  I wasn't sure what it would look like, but…it was going to be there.  It would be our sign, from Jesus.  Not only that, but said Birth Mother has a 15 month old son who was living with her in the Maternity Apartments at our Agency.  At Christmas the Agency had posted on FB asking if anyone would like to purchase toys for children living in these apartments.  I quickly answered yes and was matched with a one year old boy.  Yes, that was her son.  He received a Christmas present from us.  Two days later I had a short 15 minute conversation with Birth Mom and felt as though I could just sit down and chat with her…I was encouraged and excited to meet this Woman in person when our sweet baby girl was born.  A few bumps in the road came after…..Birth Mom was out of contact with the agency for a few days, we fretted, prayed and worked through it.  She arrived back to the Agency and three days later I received the phone call that she was in labor, but…was not sure she could follow through with the adoption.  My heart stopped.

Now, it's three days later.  Baby Girl has been born and she is with her Birth Mom, who has nothing.  No home of her own, no family, no money and I'm assuming no clothes or necessary things to take care of this sweet girl.  I'm broken.  And at first I was MAD.  So stinkin' mad.  Even at Jesus.  I'm going to say it and be honest.  I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel.  Trust me.  I've made it through three miscarriages, infertility, the death of my Dad and son and bouts with anxiety and depression.  I know how to persevere.  I know what it means to press in and give to Him.  I know how to pray and intercede.  I know without a shadow of a doubt our Jesus is in control.  But, then I was not having it.  Even now, I'm struggling.  This to me seems like the hardest thing I have been through.  I was laying in bed last night wondering why??  I didn't even feel this way when we lost Elliott.  It hit me then.  I was going to see Elliott again.  I will see my Dad again and all three of my babies in Heaven.  I do not know if I will ever see this sweet baby girl that was to be our Lucy Faith.  Her clothes are washed and ready for her, the tiny diapers and socks.  The "Little Sister" and "Big Sister" shirts.  It's all so confusing. So we wait yet again.  The Birth Mom decided she would like to try parenting this sweet girl for two weeks.  All you parents out there know the first two weeks are the hardest.  I'm not sure how to pray and Aaron and I both feel defeated.  So, we're asking that you pray for us.  And would you please pray for our Halle?  She's confused too and I'm realizing we need to be careful what we say about this situation.  We want her to understand the the Birth Mother is making poor choices. That she doesn't know what is best.  I have had to explain this again this morning.  My anger has made it's way into Halle and I don't want that to keep happening.  Please, please pray for this sweet baby girl that will not have a future without her forever family.

Use ME

Yesterday while I was in the shower, I was praying.  Just a simple prayer.  "Lord, use me". Whatever that looks like, I want to be used for your glory.  I want to be a friend to people who may not have too many, I want to share my testimony of infertility, of loss and more importantly, of HIS faithfulness.  I want to learn more about Him.  I was thinking more about this as I drove home from a massage last night.  I was super sore, but...feeling blessed.  Sometimes, it's the little things.  It may be just listening while your co-worker shares with you struggles she is facing....or choosing to go out of your comfort zone and introduce yourself to someone you don't know.  I've learned that listening to my Jesus is SO important and really so easy.  Friends, Jesus gives me strength.  Without him I would be a puddle, literally, a dirty mud puddle on the ground.  He was the one who picked me up and sustained me through infertility, the loss of my Dad and four babies.  He is still carrying me and will all the days of my life.

September, October and November could well be the most important months of the year for our family.  Halle's birthday is September 26, Elliott's birthday is October 13, Halle joined our family on November 20, and my Dad passed away on November 25.  Then we have Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Ironically, I love these months.  Through all the heartache.  I feel joy.  Sometimes, I need to choose to feel it, but...it's always there. Would I change the path of the journey I've been on?  Absolutely not.  Would I change the outcome?  Yes.  I would love nothing more than to have my Dad here to see Halle and spend time with her.  To pray me through the loss of Elliott.  I would love to be hugging my son, playing cars with him and teaching him to throw a ball.  To see if he has red hair or brown eyes.  To see if he looks just like his Daddy.  Tomorrow we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here with us.  We are choosing to celebrate his life.  And more importantly, our Jesus and HIS Faithfulness.

I will sing to the maker of heaven and earth.  God you reign forever and your love will endure. Faithful and true is the name of the Lord.  You are FAITHFUL God!

Sharing with You All

This evening I popped on over to one of my very favorite blogs.  Raechel Myers has inspired me from the very first time I read a post on "Finding my Feet".  She, like me, struggles with carrying a baby.  And....they lost their baby girl Evie only hours after she was born.  Just a few weeks ago, she found herself unexpectedly pregnant.  Like me, pregnancy does not bring her joy.  It brings fear.  It should not be like this, but...I so know where she is coming from.  You can read her post here in it's entirety.  I identify with so very many of her feelings.  On Sunday, we'll celebrate Elliott's second birthday without him here on this earth.  The pain is getting a little less, but the memories, oh...they are still so very fresh.  

Wounded

WOW!  I really don't feel as if I should even have to explain myself but I will.  To the "anonymous" comment poster:

Do you know my family?  Do you know our financial situation?  And that we have prayed about our situation many, many times and know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what our Jesus wants us to do?  That we choose to use the agency we do because of the reputation it has.  One of integrity and respect.  They are knowledgeable beyond a doubt. We are not choosing to adopt through an agency because of the "Lynden" stigma.  Trust me we are FAR from being part of that and really we don't even live there.  Can I just address that as well?  We have many, many friends at our church who have adopted their children through agencies.  Not because they are wanting to "fit in" or be apart of what others are doing.  They have prayerfully considered their options and chosen to fully live out James 1:27 "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  Wow.  My husband and I have always felt adopting through the state, though more reasonable in price, is not for us.  We have suffered through four pregnancy losses.  One being at 19 weeks.  We have watched our friends struggle through state adoption situations that have dragged on for years.  This is not for us.

I have removed your comments from my blog and ask that your refrain from sharing them here.  I find it wounding and very disrespectful.  Use your words carefully.  I know that only our Jesus should be the one to judge.  Shame on you.

Officially Waiting

My heart is full of anticipation.  I can say right now I have not one bit of uneasiness at all about our adoption.  It's true.  Praise the Lord for this.  I know, that I know, that I know....our Jesus is in control.  Is it easy to give up our control?  Absolutely not.  Is it a struggle for me, daily?  Yes.  Have I learned over the last almost two years that He will always be in control.  Abso-stinkin'-lutely.  He is the Almighty, the Great I am...the Redeemer.  AND...His grace is sufficient for me.  As of about three weeks ago, all our paperwork has been turned in to our adoption agency and we are officially "waiting" for that very special Birth Mother to choose us.  Doesn't that make you just giddy??  It does me.  Sometimes, I try to be very nonchalant about it.  Oh, it's no big deal.  We're just waiting to add another member to our family.  One that our Jesus has picked out just for us.  My goodness.  Some say waiting is the hardest part, and you know what, it well could be.  But, I have resolved that it's not going to be.  So, I press in to Jesus because I know He is the giver of our gift.  Would you please pray for a few things for us??

• HIS timeline.  That's right.  We have been told this process may take anywhere from 18-24 months.  That is a quite a bit longer than we waited for Halle.  But, we know that He is control and truly He knows best which child is right for us and when that said child will become a part of our family.
• The Birth Mother.  For wisdom, guidance and His grace.  That she would feel loved and appreciated and know that she is sacrificing so much, but giving us the "Best Gift Ever".
• Financing.  We have applied for a grant and it may be up to ten weeks before we hear back from then.  We know that our Jesus will provide, but...it never hurts to have the extra prayers.
• For our Halle.  She is super, duper beyond excited to be a BIG sister.  In her almost 5 years she has been a part of a lot emotionally.  She has watched her Mommy carry her little brother and not bring that same brother home from the hospital.  She knows where he is and has a greater understanding of Heaven.  But, bringing a new little person to her home may put a wrench in to her seemingly "I'm the only child" attitude.  We plan on taking Halle with us to meet her new brother/sister.  We would love to visit with her Foster family as well as maybe her Birth Mother (if she is willing).  Pray for our sensitive little girl's heart.  This may be a lot for her to take in.  
• Our stay in Texas  We have to wait for some paperwork to be filed and approved after the baby is placed with us.  This can go super fast (it was less than a week with Halle) or super slow.  We'd like the quicker route, pretty please.  Aaron only has so much time off and would love to be there with us.    

I know for some, you may think this premature.  We haven't been matched yet and we just turned our paperwork in.  Nope.  That baby is growing in our hearts and it's never too early to share with others your needs and how to pray for them.  And I know that He is faithful!