Thursday, April 10, 2008
Our Journey -- Part 1
Some of you who may not know us very well may not know about our journey through infertility. I just wanted to share that with you, the readers of our blog, our friends and family. I was just thinking how I couldn't believe it had been three whole years since we started this whole TTC (trying to conceive) process. Wow!! It seems like it was just yesterday but, it also seems like it's been ten years not just three. Aaron and I were eager to start a family after we had spent about 1 1/2 years as a married couple. After about a year and many charts (sheesh...don't you just love taking your temperature every morning???), many appointments with my Naturapath, many tears and much prayer we decided to seek help from an OB/GYN. She put me on Clomid, an oral fertility drug that is taken during the first part of your cycle to help with ovulation. OH, I forgot to mention I wasn't ovulating very often on my own. The first month....I ovulated...HOOORAAAYYY, but...Aaron was out of town...not so good for babymaking. The second month we conceived and all was well! I didn't feel too sick, we were excited, I was reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" we told everyone we could think of. I was so **sure** nothing was going to happen. I arrived to my first OB appointment eager and full of anticipation, without Aaron. They took some blood work, I filled out a lot of paper work and then we started the ultrasound. Imagine my dismay when the Doctor pronounced, "Looks like you're having a miscarriage". What??? She hands me a box of kleenex, I don't cry, I'm in HUGE shock. So many thoughts running through my head, my Mom hadn't had any miscarriages, aren't they hereditary? No. I really need my husband, where is my husband? We have to tell all these people. What do we say? How does one handle this? I collected my thoughts and listened to the Doctor explain that there was a sac, but no heartbeat and we had a few options to induce this miscarriage. Oh great! Just what I wanted to hear. We could wait it out and see what happens on it's own, not so great...I was thinking this was going to happen while I was walking down the street, getting groceries, worshipping at church. Not the best option and certainly not convenient, but...when is a miscarriage? I could use some medication (Misoprostol) that would cause my cervix to soften and start contracting. This would be uncomfortable, but I could do it at home. I would be given pain medication and instructions. Third option was a D&C. Nope, didn't want to do this. I left the office still in shock. My first call was to Aaron, he immediately left work to join me. My next call was to my second Mom, Marj. She works with me and is a longtime family friend. I explained the situation through tears and said I would not be in for the rest of the day. Aaron and I grieved that day. For the baby that would not be born in December 2005. We cried, oh did we cry. We just looked at each other and held each other and prayed. And tried so hard to remember this "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 We called Aaron's parents and went to my parent's house. They prayed with us. We went home and tried to move on. I cried for at least a week....at home, at work, in the car. My husband was my rock. We prayed some more and I used the medication a week after my appointment. The Doctor had told me there was a chance this wouldn't work. You're kidding me right? This needed to work....more prayer. Late on a friday evening I used the medication. It worked. I started contracting about 20 minutes after I used it. Oh my word, the pain. If this is what labor would be like I would definitely need the epidural....I used the pain medicine and more ibuprofen. Aaron ran from our bedroom to the microwave heating up my rice bag. My dear husband. Oh how I love him. Our baby passed from my body and into Jesus' arms. I recovered and 1 1/2 months later I was pregnant again. I started spotting a week after I took the test. Ectopic pregnancy suspected. Blood draws weekly. Ultrasounds and more Doctor's visits later I was sent to the hospital to await a shot of methotrexate. Actually, two to be exact, right in the 'ol butt. I had a new found respect for my Dad who was going through cancer treatment and needed to get shots like that monthly. Don't look these drugs up on google...they're scary. Trust me. I waited for two hours, I'm not kidding. How exasperating. The only place I could get the medication was at the hospital. Later I found out that wasn't true. I made sure to relay that message to my Doctor's office. I could not believe I was going through this again. I had been trying to call Aaron through all of this...come to find out he was in Sudden Valley and had NO cell service. Figures. I got the shots and waited. They worked. And, our second baby passed from my body and into Jesus' arms the very next day. I was done. So done. I sat in our newly purchased glider rocker (in the newly appointed nursery) and cried....for all we had lost. For our baby that would not be born in our birthday month and possibly share one of our birthdays...for the second Mother's Day that I would still not be a Mother here on earth. Only the peace that passes all understanding got us through. Aaron was so optimistic...things will go better next time..let's keep trying. As I mentioned earlier, my Dad had cancer and later on that month we moved him to a nursing home. My Mom could no longer care for him at home. One day I was visiting him and he looked me straight in the eye and told me we couldn't quit. How could we turn him down? He hadn't given up. His body had been through hell and still he pressed on. When he had nothing left he clung to Jesus. And...so that is what we did. The next couple of months we spent focusing on us and Dad..he was terminal. My Dad passed away in November 2006. Before he passed I was able to give him this very important message, "You're a Grandpa now...take care of my babies for me." And I'm sure he's doing just that.